When Does it get Better? - Coping with Loss

I'm going to start by giving a rant/vent warning.

I've been really down these past few months and I honestly don't really know how to pull myself back up. The only thing I can relate this feeling to is being stuck in quick sand, the more I struggle to get up, the further down I get pulled.

I hope it's okay for me to post this, but I've been keeping these feelings bottled up a long time now and I really just need a place I can let it all out once and for all. A year ago, less than a month after my grandfathers passing, my mom was suddenly diagnosed with Cancer. None of us were expecting it and after several months of chemo with no results and some sever side effects her Oncologist decided it was best to quit treatment and instead strive for a quality life. My mom, being the independent woman that she was decided against being hospitalized and so she spent her final days at home with my Dad and I caring for her. She passed away a little less than 2 months ago. It's honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I feel like I have no one I can talk to. I've seemed to lose a lot of friends since her passing, and I think it has to do with them simply not knowing what to say, or how to act around me anymore.

At the same time I'm also trying to deal with a break up. We broke up a year ago but I don't seem to be getting any closer to getting over him than I was the day we broke up, if anything I'm getting worse and I don't know what to do. If my mom was here she'd know exactly what to say or how to make me feel better but she's not. I just feel so lost. I wasn't done needing her. I have so many feelings and thoughts swarming my head that I can't get them straight. Everyone around me seems so happy and I'm finding myself hating the people I used to love the most out of jealousy because they can be happy and I can't. An old friend of mine keeps posting photos of my ex, drunk, on facebook and it's honestly so upsetting to see him. My ex asked for me to be friends with him again and I agreed, but he started ignoring me throughout the day and seeing that the reason for his lack of contact was because he wanted to go out partying with his friends is just heartbreaking all over again because I feel like I must be so boring to him.

I guess my question is when does it get better? When will I finally start feeling happy again? I don't know how much more disappointment, or heartbreak I can deal with.

 

Sorry to hear of your losses. Everyone is completely individual when it comes to grief and dealing with losses. There is also no set time frame when "it will become better"
Speaking as a Mental Health Professional with 13 years experience, depression is like a dark cloud that feeds itself by isolation and secrecy. The more you isolate yourself and less you speak about it, the worse it becomes.
Maybe the best place to start is by speaking to your local dr or your local mental health team and get some advice on how to receive counselling in your local area is a stepping stone to feeling better

 

So sorry to hear about your mom's passing and your ex's behaviour. It is a lot for anyone at any age to go through, and your feelings are both real and valid.

 

Jakoba, I'm so sorry for your losses. I can kind of relate to you, my mom was just diagnosed with Ductal Carcinoma (Breast Cancer) and had to undergo a double-mastectomy. I've done my fair share of grieving and you know what, IT STINKS. The one thing I have learned from this is that tragedies are poisonous. If you don't talk about it then you only get worse and worse. You did the right thing about posting because you shouldn't ever have to feel like you are alone in the world and that life has become hopeless. Time will heal all wounds but I know that's not enough. I would definitely consider a grief-counselor, what you're going through is extremely difficult (say it outloud, it's okay to acknowledge that you're in a bad situation) and you shouldn't have to do this alone. I know for a fact your Mom and Grandfather would want you to be happy so do this for yourself so you can feel better. You WILL get through this and your LIFE will get better.

 

I'll repeat the advice for seeking counseling. I really think it will help. And I'll add in that you might want to consider blogging or keeping a journal. You can set online blogs to private so that only you can see your posts. It might help you sort through feelings if you have them written down on paper. When I was going through a difficult period in my life (dealing with loss), I found that keeping a journal greatly helped me. I could write out all the things that I felt I couldn't talk to others about. Just doing that kept me from bottling it all up inside.

Remember you aren't alone and there are people who care about you.

 

I also struggled with depression in the past when my life was in a dark place. Counseling & medication for a brief time helped me. You say that your mom would know what to say, well it would probably go something like this - You are special, you are very loved and you deserve the best in life. The ex is not this or he would have been there for you. Forget him and work on getting help for yourself, than everything else will fall into place. Good luck & be strong - it will get better.

 

Jakoba, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through.

In my unprofessional opinion two months is an unreasonable time to expect yourself move on emotionally after such a loss.
Moms are such an important part of a young woman's life.

Add your relationship issues and the holiday season fast approaching you hit a trifecta.

Like endlercollector said, your feeling are valid.
Push through, you can make it. It might not feel like it right now but you can and you will.
Baby steps.

Others have mentioned counseling, it might be a good thing for you but please don't think you're abnormal for feeling the way you do.

Oh and the ex? Sometimes we grieve for a relationship we wanted it to be, not for what it truly was.

 

Like everyone said, I'm so sorry for your losses. I lost 5 of my pets last year, and after the last death I was so cold. Once I felt better, my girlfriend (yes, girlfriend) broke up with me, and then things just got terrible. I have recovered now, I picked art back up, began to work with my fish more, and my good friend who helped me through asked me out, bringing new joy.

I definitely recommend consoling. My consoler helped me through some of my worst times, and they are an amazing way to speak about all your troubles with no fear of being judged. They can also help you find the best way to cope, and they explain everything well.

Talking to people is one of the best ways to help you through, even if its not a consoler it can be a family member or a trusted friend. It really feels great to get stuff off your chest when your feeling down.
Remember, your not alone.

(and since I don't want people asking, I am not a lesbian.)

 

Thank you everyone for the kind words! I can not express how much it means to me.

I had been seeing a counselor at the college for a while, but because I was doing really well at my last appointment, he never booked me in for a follow up. Maybe I should stop by after my next class and see about making another appointment anyways.

I feel like this thing with my ex is really what started my downward spiral. I mean, I've been depressed about my mom anyways, of course, but at least before I felt like I had been coping and I had a positive outlook. Now I just feel hopeless.

I just don't get it. We've been apart for a year. I shouldn't care any more, but I do. I thought I was doing okay, I missed his friendship but had come to accept it probably wouldn't happen, and I was okay with that!
Then he reached out to me, out of the blue, saying he still wanted to be friends, and things felt great! We were friends again, it was like old times all over again, but then he quit responding and my old friend Gavin started posting pictures of them all out partying for Gavin's birthday, and it just made me really sad and jealous, because they all used to be my friends, and now it's like I'm no longer a part of their little group.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I think what's really upsetting me is not just that I lost my mom, but I feel like I've lost all my closest friends as well. They were the people I knew I could always go to, and now I don't feel like I can.

I do have one positive thing to say though. Right after I posted this last night I got a drunken message from the birthday boy himself, who I hadn't talked to in almost a year now, saying "I miss you" which actually made me feel better, even if my ex still hasn't responded to my last message.

I guess I just want to feel like they care, instead of like I've been left behind.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Time is a great healer, you'll get there and you'll be all the stronger for doing so.



Give yourself time. Don't force your feelings. Just let yourself grieve, for as long as it takes. It's normal and healthy to grieve. There is no time frame.



As for the ex, he sounds like a waste of space (due to forum rules, can't call him what I really want to!). Again, you can't make yourself move on. It will come, with time. It's okay to miss him, he was a big part of your life. All these feelings are normal, don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.



I had a nasty break up a few years ago and he got to 'keep' all our friends. To this day, I still don't really have any friends but it taught me that if someone wants to be in your life, they will be. If they don't, they won't be and you don't want or need people like that in your life. You're better off without them.



Talking is the best thing you can do. It doesn't have to be a councillor or a therapist or even a person. I have struggled with OCD for years and found that writing it all down really helped me. It's about getting your thoughts and feelings out, not bottling stuff up.



I split with my son's father a few months ago and never thought I could move on from that. Not him, but the life we had. Our friends, family.. All that stuff.



A few months down the line, I've finally realised what it's like to be happy. I'm now with the most amazing guy, who has shown me what it really feels like to love and be loved. Who makes me genuinely happy.



You will get there. You will get your happy back, I promise you that. It will happen of it's own accord, when you're least expecting it. Don't put on your game face, just be you. You sound like you've got a good head screwed on your shoulders. You're strong and brave and wonderful.



We're always here if you need to talk. You can always shoot someone a pm if you want a more private conversation.



I wish you all the love &luck in the world sweet.

 

Jakoba, I am so sorry for your recent loss just remember that with time, this moment in your life shall pass.

Friends will come and go through life, personally, of the many "close friends" I've had, through the years I've only keep in touch with one.

Use this time to take care of your self and get closer to your dad as you both are grieving, I'm sure he will appreciate your company.

 

I just want what we had back. I want the last two years back. I feel like I wasted so much time being upset by all the stupid little things, like school, and small disappointments like plans not working out, when I should have been just enjoying what I did have. I used to be so happy but I took it all for granted.

My relationship with him wasn't bad at all, even at the end. I just don't know. I want there to be hope. I want to know why he reaches out to me, than pushes away again. Mom was the only person who could help me figure out what was going through his head, she was the only person who I could talk to about him and know she wasn't going to tell me to walk away and move on.

 

You have to do what feels right for you. If you feel you need to fight for him, then you do it. Only your heart knows what your heart needs.

If he's worth fighting for, don't give up on him. Keep fighting.

Time is never wasted. You learn from it. It makes you the person you are today.

Lots of love sweet.

 

I 2nd professional help. Don't think it means you're weak. I'm a veteran and am seeing a VA shrink. Please don't think it'll get better with time. Talking about it, understanding, and coming to terms with it is best. Then time will help numb the pain. My wife can relate to you. She lost her mom to breast cancer at the age of 7. I'm sure your dad is putting on a strong front for you. He is hurting just like you're.

 

As a young person who had to become the caretaker of a dying parent, you have been on an intense journey that your ex and friends cannot understand. They failed you, and to some degree, they know it but aren't up to developing a new relationship with you.

I think it would be worthwhile to look for a grief counselor, especially through healthcare providers that your family met along the way. I do not know how counseling works at your particular university, and you may need to look farther afield for sufficient help.

 

Life sucks sometimes. Its full of ups and downs. Some have more ups, some have more downs, but we all deal with them. Live your life moment to moment. Dont live in the past, don't live in the future. Make the best out of each moment and things can get better if u want them to. But you gotta do it for yourself. You gotta want it. I was severly depressed back in HS. Trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. I just kept walking forward and dealing with life as it was thrown at me. Now 20 years later Ive found myself in a great place and life is awesome. But guess what, wihout all the downs of the past I wouldnt realize how great things are now. Life is whatever you want it to be. I wish you luck on this journey! I truely do!

 

Thank you again everyone. Right now I am in my last couple weeks of college and have been completely swamped with assignments and exams. I think that makes it harder. I can't wait for this semester to be over so I can spend a few days off focusing more on my tanks and everything else that really makes me happy, I think that will be a huge help with how I am feeling.

 

*UPDATE*


Well, that ex I told you guys about got in contact with me at the beginning of November (November 5th I believe) He said "I still want to be friends" so I figured I would give it a shot. We've been talking pretty much daily for the past 5 weeks and things seemed to be going good. He was really sweet, sending me "hug" and "cuddle" texts. We made plans to meet up and last Wednesday (Dec. 10th) I went to his place and we hung out.

Things were a bit awkward, he just seemed different from the last time I had seen him (if you've read my original post you'd know that me and him have been apart for over a year and ever few months we get into contact, than he just cuts out again with no explanation) really different to be honest, and in a way I couldn't quite but my finger on. He seemed more... self assured? almost more confident. Hanging out proved to be difficult because I still have pretty deep feelings for him. To make a long story short he ended up kissing me and I told him no, because we weren't in a relationship anymore. He apologized and after that I just got really upset. I didn't want him to apologize, I wanted him to tell me he had feelings for me still. After seeing how upset I was he tried to comfort me. He said that he hadn't been with anyone else since we broke up and that he didn't really want a relation at the time being, but I assured him there was something deeper bothering me (implying my mom) and I was sorry for letting it mess up a good visit between us. He hugged me and said that it was okay, this visit wouldn't count, we would have a re-do during the Christmas break to make up for it. I happily agreed and we headed to the bus-stop so we could part ways at the mall.

On the bus we talked and he asked something about my "parents" I kind of awkwardly corrected him "parent" and could see he was confused... He had NO idea my mom had died. When I told him I could see the color leave his face and his expression dropped. He apologized and said he hadn't had any idea, and that he feels even worse for not being there for me in my time of need. After that everything just got extremely awkward. He wouldn't really look at me, he seemed to constantly be in thought and any time I tried talking to him he just wasn't fully there. After that we parted ways and I went home.

He continued to text me over the next few days but stopped today, I don't know if he plans to cut contact again or what, but I just got a message from a relative who recently learnt of him having "a new girlfriend"

So, I looked into and apparently he's been dating someone else for the past 4 months. He made a new facebook which I am blocked from. I am in absolute shock. I don't know what to think, or what to do... He practically cheated on this girl with me and I feel terrible. I am so hurt words can't even express it and I have no clue what to do.


*and to make matters worse my two favorite blood parrots passed away this morning after a power-outtage left them without a heater

 

So sorry to hear about how things went with your ex but also am cheering you on. You were very courageous, and he couldn't push you around.

 

Thanks Endler.

He actually contacted me again today, which came as a shock. I haven't replied. I don't know how I would.

Has anyone out there experienced a similar situation with a relationship?

 

He may be sincerely confused, but that's not going to work as a basis for spending time with him.

I've lived long enough to have seen many variations on this theme while still respecting each person his or her own individuality that I cannot fully comprehend. I can at least say that you, by yourself, must come to terms with your grief and who you are now before you can begin to deal with figuring out who your ex is becoming.

The holidays are also a particularly hard time. You can be sure that there are Fishlore members who are rooting for you and that others here have gotten through tough periods, too.

 

I don't have much to add, just want to show my support as well.

 

I experienced a similar relationship with my ex-wife. I still hung around after we split, trying to make things work, fixing my perceived problems, and constantly sitting around waiting for her to be 'ready' for a relationship. The truth was she was ready for a relationship, just not with me. It took a lot of painful experiences and repetition to get that through my head, but ultimately I decided that I was worth more, and that I'd rather be alone than be lied to. The bad news, it was a horrible lonely experience, but in hindsight it was one of the best choices I've made in my life. I've since found someone who values and cares for me equally and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

The loss of family is one of the hardest things I think we can go through. My mother is long gone, died of an sudden anurism when I was a teenager, and my dad died of a heart attack a few months after I joined the forum here. (I recall it happening right in the middle of a fish tank stand project we were doing together and I was posting about here, not sure if I told anyone about it.) I also lost one of my twin daughters at 3 days old. I don't think we ever really get over the loss of our loved ones, but there is comfort to be found in people who can relate, and also in those who truly care about you.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in your struggles, so perservere and know that things will get better some day.

 

Nothing good ever comes from letting an ex linger. It appears good at times because our heart takes over and tells our brain to be quiet, but it's not. My personal opinion is that this schmuck is using you to stroke his ego. He wants to know and see how much you feel for him. That's a bad look, my friend. It's selfish and cruel. It's also a sure sign that you're dealing with an insecure and cruel little boy. I'd just keep it moving. Keep your head up and wait for the one you're supposed to be with. You'll know it when it happens, and you'll look back on this time and realize how bad this guy truly is.

 

Wow so sorry this happened to you! Keep that head held high and be strong! Talkig about it does help

 

Thanks again for all the kind words. I am feeling down again tonight.

I'm curious, to those of you who have said you have been in similar situations with an ex, how long did it take for you to move on, or stop having feelings?

I feel like it's a vicious cycle, I wish my mom was here to talk to but she isn't, which just makes me all the more sad.

 

Keep your chin up love. Sometimes feelings never go away, they just lessen with time. To a point where you'll be able to feel like you're coping a little more.

I'll pm you sweet. Lots of love.xxxx