Support From Friends And Family

Punkin
  • #1
Or lack thereof.....

Was talking a bit today on another thread about not having support from friends or family. I am having “debates” with my husband. Not fighting, just disagreements about the care of the tank. Skip ahead to the * for a shorter read. Now mind you, we only have a 20 gallon. I’ll try to be brief, what he debates me on is:

1. Water changes. I do once a week, about 7-8 gallons with a gravel vacuum. Takes me about 45 minutes. The tank is lightly stocked. 7 black neons, 3 albino cories, and 3 new nerites we got yesterday. He doesn’t help clean, which is ok, I’d prefer to do myself. He thinks I can get away with about 25% change once a month.

2. Stocking and QT. Wants me to get more neons, and not bother to qt. I would like to get more, but am thinking of waiting till spring or at least after the holidays to set up a qt tank. Which brings me to the qt. He just doesn’t think we need to. At all. Just acclimate and put them in. His reasoning is it will stress them more to keep moving tanks, and also he never did that in the past and everyone was fine.

3. Varieties of fish. Doesn’t see why we can’t have a myriad of fish in this tank. Another school, in addition to the black neons, et cetera and on and on and on.......

His view on all this is he had tanks in the past, both when he lived with his parents, and when we were married 18 years ago, we had a 29 gallon for the first 10-12 years. They were stocked all over the place, no formal cycling, barely cleaned and water changed, and I have to say we really did not have any major fish loss. Had a pink kissing gourami, and what I think was a common pleco, and various onesie, twosie tetras not in proper schools. And they all lived for YEARS.

I’m sure there is more I am forgetting........

*So my curiosity is....how do you deal with any disagreements or flack you get from others in your life about how you care for your fish friends?

bizaliz3 if you want to add anything.
 
psalm18.2
  • #2
I got lucky in this as my husband has his own hobbies. All I can say is good luck in the fish debate. Maybe his and hers tanks? BTW why does it take 45min to do your water change?
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #3
I got lucky in this as my husband has his own hobbies. All I can say is good luck in the fish debate. Maybe his and hers tanks? BTW why does it take 45min to do your water change?
I use the slow bucket method. I included setting up my plastic and towels in case of water spills (had a bucket handle break once) and cleanup time.

Could never do his and hers tanks. His would have goldfish, plecos, livebearers, tetras, you name it. All together.
 
BettaFishyLuvr
  • #4
I tend to just ignore them and don’t mention my fish, although that’s kinda hard in ur situation. My friends all have or had fish, bettas and goldfish in bowls, a glow light tetra in a three gallon, and my least favorite, my friend who keeps a common goldfish in a five gallon, not cycled, once a month full water changes, I told her it needs a bigger tank. Her response “it doesn’t grow fast...only grows to size of environment....it’s fine for over five months...” all that , I just don’t talk to her about my fish. Ugh but it does really make me mad
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #5
Demeter
  • #6
Tell him that fish living isn't the same as fish thriving. My sister has a single white skirt (the "glo light" kind) in a 1.5ish gal tank. That poor thing doesn't have a heater and very rarely gets water changes, at most 3 times a year. It's been swimming for a good 3-4 years now... I've argued with her a few times about it but got nowhere. She's even considered getting a clow fish (yes salt water) to replace it when it dies.


My family tries to talk about fish with me and I just kinda slam the door on the conversation. They don't know what fish need, they haven't done the reading I've done. We all have that one hobby, that one thing we are extremely passionate about, so much so when people try to talk about it we become defensive. I love my fish, all several dozens of them. DO NOT tell me how to care for them. I'm getting irritated just thinking about it.
 
Susiefoo
  • #7
If you do the tank care, you make the decisions.

I am assuming you have already tried to educate him about good fish care and the difference between fish surviving and thriving, and it hasn't worked. If so, I personally would just do what you want with the tank, and steer away from discussions about it if they just end in disagreement. Change the subject. In some ways I think it's better to have one person be the "lead" on a tank, and if someone else has different views, they can set up their own.

I am the only one among my family and friends who is interested in fish, which is a blessing in some ways No-one pokes their nose in. They just politely admire the tank and leave me alone. My husband will feed the fish and turn lights on and off when I'm away, that's the extent of his involvement which suits me fine.
 
Bruxes and Bubbles
  • #8
Luckily my parents, while they aren't always happy that we can't add another fish they really like to the tank, understand once I explain why not and don't push it.
My sister loves to learn about all the fish.

My friend usually just teases that I've only moved a plant since the last time he saw a picture of it. lol
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #9
DO NOT tell me how to care for them. I'm getting irritated just thinking about it.

I totally agree with you. And I also forgot to mention he has the mindset that the LFS people know it all.... they work there, you know.
 
BettaFishyLuvr
  • #10
I totally agree with you. And I also forgot to mention he has the mindset that the LFS people know it all.... they work there, you know.
Oh gosh. Sounds like a head ache when he tries to talk about fish yeesh. My mom doesn’t care for the tanks as long as they make me happy and she doesn’t have to do anything lol. My brother doesn’t like fish, at all.... well... besides the double tail I got him as a birthday present, he is so attached to that little guy
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #11
Now don’t get me wrong, he is wonderful in many ways. And again, these are not terrible fights. Just mild bickering.
My sister in law and nieces also call me the crazy fish lady.
 
Piaelliott
  • #12
I don't get into debates. My fish, my responsibility My husband has his own hobbies and won't interfere with mine.
Unfortunately I don't know anybody in real live who has fish. I need new friends
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #13
Unfortunately I don't know anybody in real live who has fish. I need new friends
Me too!
 
grantm91
  • #14
I'm the crazy fish guy to my partners family haha, but we love our neat home and the three tanks are a compliment, but on this matter I can't see it from his point of view, for example me and the gf love this hobby, she does a lot of research herself and has massif input, we both have quite a equal say... but I do the maintenance so like Susiefoo said I get the final say, so like no extra pleco or anymore fish for the saltwater tank, when she thinks on it she always understands, and sometimes she even sways me to do stuff. Personally we think the hubby needs to take a back seat or get more involved with the learning and maintenance side. We have bickered before haha.
 
junebug
  • #15
I guess I'm lucky. My husband likes fish and likes to "have" them (pssh yeah right) but as I am the one who has done all the research, I am the one who has final say on our tanks. I also do 99% of the maintenance on them, not that our tanks require much maintenance.
 
SegiDream
  • #16
I kind of like the idea of his and hers tanks. But otherwise, just have to find a way to kindly remind him that you appreciate his feedback but this is yours - you own this - not him and the decisions are ultimately up to you. He should be able to respect that. Many times this past year I had to put my foot down and say get over it, end of discussion. We didn't fight over it but I had to draw the line many times.
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #17
He likes the fish, he loves to watch them and likes to see the pictures of the different tanks from members of this forum, too. He feels bad if one passes away. And he has his own hobbies, too. Which I don’t interfere with at all.
 
jmaldo
  • #18
Some of my friends and fellow workers asked about the cost of the water used during water changes. "Your water bill must be crazy high". So, got me curious and did a little digging. Basically found out the average shower is 8 minutes long using 18-19 gallons of water. It turns out with the 4 tanks I have in combination the water usage equals 45-50 gals which equals less than 3 showers per week. Now I just respond with "How many showers do you take a in a week" they thought it was hilarious. So if you do the math for your tank, 7-8 gals used 1 x per week times 4 weeks equals 28-32 gals. That's approx. less than 2 showers per month for your fishes. So tell him your giving your fish a 1/2 of a shower per week or you're skipping 2 showers per month for the health of your "Wet Pets".

LOL

 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #19
Ah yes the water bill. Yet another discussion topic. How much water I am wasting. Not too much in the warmer months, cuz I water the yard with the old water. But in winter, it goes down the drain!

Gee, he has an opinion about everything!
 
SegiDream
  • #20
Ah yes the water bill. Yet another discussion topic. How much water I am wasting. Not too much in the warmer months, cuz I water the yard with the old water. But in winter, it goes down the drain!

Gee, he has an opinion about everything!

Lol get some indoor plants!

Bet he's brought up the power usage too like mine did. Kept nagging about it until I added it all up and calculated it out. *eyeroll* But I have to be nice, somebody has to help me move the tank upstairs tomorrow... and the big metal cabinet I got lol O_O which might actually be able to support something larger than a 20...
 
California L33
  • #21
On the bright side- at least he's interested.

When I was in the hobby a long time ago we never had QT tanks, poured powerful antibiotics in the tank at the first sign of trouble, stocked to ridiculous levels, believed fish 'grew into their tanks,' and some still thought 'old water' kept fish healthy. The odd thing- most of us cared for our fish. We were simply operating out of ignorance, not callousness.

Either way, you shouldn't let an aquarium get in the way of your relationship. Agree to disagree. Maybe you should just tell him- 'I need this to be my thing. I value your input, but I'll take care of it.'
 
clk89
  • #22
You could always give him research with backed up sources to show you are taking care of the fish correctly.

With pets my husband and I pretty much agreed a long time ago that if I bring a pet into the house, I do the majority of the care. If he brings the pet into home then he does majority of care. Of course if something happens then the other person will take care of the pet but only through specific directions given first.
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #23
You could always give him research with backed up sources to show you are taking care of the fish correctly.
Haha, yes I have. But he always comes back with “well, MY fish were fine” and dismisses it.

We agree to disagree. I just want to enjoy my hobby with someone. Other family members have pretty severe anxiety so I can’t talk to them, so he’s all I have.
 
toolman
  • #24
My 3 tank are mine and I don't get much grief from the mrs.( except for the cost of my new tank, rolled eyes... "How much is this going to cost me?" I said nothing its coming out of my money, she gets most of my $ for bills. Lol)

However, she and my 10yr old daughter have a 55 gallon guppy mansion upstairs that I maintain but is decorated and stocked at their discretion.
 
Fashooga
  • #25
My wife supports me with this hobby. I’m currently working on setting up the 55 gallon I have and I told her what the plans are. She wants something with Cardinals and I have an idea on what I want to do and how it will look.

She doesn’t like the qt system cause it takes up space. She understands why it’s there but still...it’s a hassle.
 
BettaFishyLuvr
  • #26
Most of my friends tease me but they still really like the hobby because it helps with my anxiety and panic attacks a lot, that’s why my mom likes it too. My brother enjoys seeing the “pretty fishies”
 
RobinWhiskers
  • #27
My family thinks I make up all the health problems my Bettas have had and it's stupid to do a 50% water change every couple days.
 
California L33
  • #28
My family thinks I make up all the health problems my Bettas have had and it's stupid to do a 50% water change every couple days.

Some people get fish, some people don't .
 
nurseemily
  • #29
just give him a hug and say something like "I love that you have experience in fish keeping" then flash him. then go about doing what you do how you see fit.
 
wem21
  • #30
just give him a hug and say something like "I love that you have experience in fish keeping" then flash him. then go about doing what you do how you see fit.
hahaha
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #31
just give him a hug and say something like "I love that you have experience in fish keeping" then flash him. then go about doing what you do how you see fit.
Ha ha. That would create a new set of problems!
 
MattS99
  • #32
My family hates the hobby. My mother is my biggest issue, calling my tank an 'eyesore' and constantly telling me how ugly it is in her house. Apparently I'm a 'fish hypochondriac' as well when I'm legitimately concerned about them.

When my sister gets mad at me, she threatens to flush my fish.

My dad doesn't care and he likes looking at them. It's just the cost that gets him.

The only support I get from my family is my grandmother, but she sadly has no say in this to my parents.
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #33
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #34
Just wanted to mention here, that I got flack again for cleaning the tank too much. We were at a fish show yesterday, and one of the reps from Cobalt brand said that maybe I change too much water out at one time and suggested maybe 4 gallons as opposed to my 7-8 per week. So now hubby is running with that!!!!!
 
grantm91
  • #35
Just wanted to mention here, that I got flack again for cleaning the tank too much. We were at a fish show yesterday, and one of the reps from Cobalt brand said that maybe I change too much water out at one time and suggested maybe 4 gallons as opposed to my 7-8 per week. So now hubby is running with that!!!!!

Whats your tap nitrates ? I think you will be ok with a smaller percentage water change if its a low reading because you have low bio load fish. I am forced to do large 60 percent minimum water-changes because my tap is coming in at 50 ppm for me. If your on a weekly religious change with a gravel vac, id say your fine lowering the percentage if your ok with it.
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #36
Whats your tap nitrates ? I think you will be ok with a smaller percentage water change if its a low reading because you have low bio load fish. I am forced to do large 60 percent minimum water-changes because my tap is coming in at 50 ppm for me. If your on a weekly religious change with a gravel vac, id say your fine lowering the percentage if your ok with it.
My tap nitrates can range from 0 to 5ppm depending on the time of year. Yes, I gravel vac every week, I enjoy it.
 
grantm91
  • #37
Me too, I enjoy looking at my sand after ive got every last little peice of stuff out its good, id lower the water change rater here too personally or maybe drop to a 10-12 day schedule, but its your tank and you know what's best deep down.
 
Natalya
  • #38
Whats your tap nitrates ? I think you will be ok with a smaller percentage water change if its a low reading because you have low bio load fish. I am forced to do large 60 percent minimum water-changes because my tap is coming in at 50 ppm for me. If your on a weekly religious change with a gravel vac, id say your fine lowering the percentage if your ok with it.
This is an interesting question...my tap is at 10 Or 20, but I have a ton of plants, so by the end of the week the tank ends up having less nitrates than tap. I would change less often, but there are so many things I am not testing for and do not know anything about... Phosphates? Organics? What-not?
 
Punkin
  • Thread Starter
  • #39
Me too, I enjoy looking at my sand after ive got every last little peice of stuff out its good, id lower the water change rater here too personally or maybe drop to a 10-12 day schedule, but its your tank and you know what's best deep down.
One of the reasons I like to change a good amount is because I seem to be plagued with fin problems. I lost 2 albino cories to what I think was fin rot, despite treatment in a hospital tank with triple sulfa. I now have 2 black neons that have raggedy dorsal fins for some unknown reason. Idk if it’s just poor stock or if there is something in my tank or even in the water itself.
 
grantm91
  • #40
That's where the you know what's best part comes in, I know next to nothing about disease or ilness Punkin. Also Natalya I change my tanks bi-weekly with no issues. I don't test for phosphates or anything else either, if your fish are happy and your not having algae issues, I say push it back, the fish like to be left alone for one, I doubt they enjoy us going in there moving stuff around and stiring up the substrate. I know my silver dollars hate it, just another way of seeing it for you guys, tgere is no right or wrong if your successful in my book.
 

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