Others That Live With You That Don’t Like The Hobby

Lauradesu

Does anyone else live with some one that cares very little of your aquarium hobby or cares very little of your fishes well being? May it be in the tank or bringing a fish home in 30°c weather and you have to rush home to make sure your fish is okay?
The reason why I ask this is because since day one of having fish my father in law has never once cared about my fish he just calls it "drama" today I bought an oranda goldfish and it was over 30°c in the car and we were on our way home and he says we have to go into a grocerie store, I gently remind him that we have a live fish and I need to go home and make sure she gets into her tank right away and start floating her......well it explodes into an argument and leaves us with the statement he made "I don't care if you're stupid fish lives It doesn't matter I hope it dies it's a waste of money" he sees fish like insects you just kill or something that is easily replaced when all me and my fiances fish mean the world to us. He doesn't see fish like a cat or dog or something you can cuddle. Just because you can't pet or cuddle them doesn't mean they are any less than any other pet. I have no one to rant to about this....but I was wondering if anyone else has ever had this problem.
 

david1978

Well you can cuddle them, once. Ok dark joke sorry. My wife and oldest daughter they will atleast turn the light on and feed them. Now my youngest she loves the fish and wants me to set up the other tanks. So its atleast not that they don't care at all they just don't want much to do with them.
 

Fashooga

You might want to talk to your fiance about your father in law outburst and that it shouldn't be tolerated. There's a fine line between a loved one and your significant other, it's a tough balance for them.

Perhaps your fiance will talk to their father about how it hurts not only you but themselves as well, it's not a good representation of them.
 

goldface

Sounded like he was hungry. He just needed a Snickers bar.
 

midna

divorce your fil
tbh he sounds like my dad. but my dad is a bit better, at least. i'm sorry you have to deal with that kind of negativity in your life :/ unfortunately you can't choose your in-laws
 

aussieJJDude

I'm sorry to hear that.
A few individuals in my family doesn't understand why I need to do weekly waterchanges, which they just think is a waste of water. I explain, but they won't listen because 'fish survived before without waterchanges'....

I just ignore and do my thing... if they have a problem, its their own... not mine really.
 

Lauradesu

He questions my water changes as well. I try to educate him on fish because he does ask but he ends up rolling his eyes and walking away calling it yet again "drama" I won't get into personal details but honestly I wish he saw them as more, fish have been a wonder for me my whole life and I love them so much just as much as my furbabies but honestly...my father inlaw will never see a fish as anything more than something that dies and you can replace with out caring. You invest not only money into fish but emotion and time and the struggles you go through makes you bond with fish he doesn't get that. When he was younger he said he had a tank he just put water in and some gold fish and they all jumped out of the tank and after that hes seen fish as a stupid investment because to him like I said all they do is die so why bother
 

aussieJJDude

Many people think like that. Its a rather common mindset. If its not warm blooded, furry its not important. No point in stressing about it.

I will mention that there's no point in beating yourself up about it. If it was me, and this is what I usually do, if someone who doesn't understand - and chooses not to listen, or at least be respectful - questions what your doing, just mention that every time you do, it ends in an argument or hurts your feelings.

Likewise, it might also be benefitual to mention to your fiance that his father comments aren't appreciated and if they could perhaps mention to him that if he has nothing better to say, don't say it at all. Just because he can't understand why you like them, for you its your 'thing'... and very passionate about it. Rude remarks don't help the situation.... (if he has any particular interest, like model cars or something, compare to that as well...?)
 

NLindsey921

My fiance thinks I'm crazy but doesn't have a problem with it and the manager at my local petsmart says my fish are spoiled. It's just something I got used to. I do what I need to do and don't deal with any about it. You don't like it then it's your problem. But if we stop somewhere after buying a fish you bet that fish goes in the store with me and I'm complaining the entire time.
 

Wraithen

Add up the total investment. Even from an ornamental standpoint, nobody likes wasting money. I don't emotionally attach to fish. Or plants. But if someone let them die... we are talking hundreds, maybe up to a couple grand. That fact alone conjures respect for my hobby.
 

Lauradesu

My fiance is like a clam when it comes to his dad. My father inlaw has anger like no other and if you say anything to stand up against him he will bombard you with name calling and threats.

Needless to say can't wait till we move out!
 

aussieJJDude

My fiance is like a clam when it comes to his dad. My father inlaw has anger like no other and if you say anything to stand up against him he will bombard you with name calling and threats.

Needless to say can't wait till we move out!
Moving out is certainly a good option!
 

Jessica J

Yea was gonna be my first question, why not just move out and get ya'll own place? Second what size tank and what other fish besides the goldfish do you have? It helps to talk about the things that make you happy instead of things that don't. Got any live plants. Here are some pics of ours hope it helps. Also we have a Instagram we post vids of our tanks on. A 10 gallon planted guppy tank and 20 gallon community tank with a few plants. jessica.jones9183 on Instagram
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goldface

You're living with your in-laws? That might explain things. Or not. I don't know your situation. But maybe there is some resentment going on. I'll be honest, that story of your father-in-law losing his marbles over a fish made me laugh a bit because it was too much like a child's tantrum. So now I'm thinking there's more to it. I have an older brother and his wife living with my parents, and I absolutely cannot stand it.
 

aussieJJDude

Not knowing the OP situation guys, one cannot judge.
Jessie j, they may not be able to financially support moving out currently, so just saying they should leave isn't exactly helpful in the matter...
What I'm trying to say is that we only got a small portion of the story... so forming judgements/impossible solutions isn't going to help the cause!
 

wodesorel

Anytime a dude calls a woman's legit worries "drama", it makes my blood boil and it makes me question how he treats people in general.

From someone who never got to meet the in-laws because of rediculous prejudices and expectations - don't listen to a word they say. Ever. Love your hubby, you married him and not them!!
 

Gypsy13

He questions my water changes as well. I try to educate him on fish because he does ask but he ends up rolling his eyes and walking away calling it yet again "drama" I won't get into personal details but honestly I wish he saw them as more, fish have been a wonder for me my whole life and I love them so much just as much as my furbabies but honestly...my father inlaw will never see a fish as anything more than something that dies and you can replace with out caring. You invest not only money into fish but emotion and time and the struggles you go through makes you bond with fish he doesn't get that. When he was younger he said he had a tank he just put water in and some gold fish and they all jumped out of the tank and after that hes seen fish as a stupid investment because to him like I said all they do is die so why bother

I’m very emotionally attached to my finbabies. Every single one. I check them, worry about them and just do my very best for them. Hubby isn’t emotionally attached. It’s one of those love me love my babies kind of things.
I know how frustrating this is for you. You want this man to respect you and your finbabies are part of you. Maybe if he found a fish he liked. Sharing interests is the best bridge builder I’ve found. Just ask one day when he seems kinda calm. Say “I was wondering what kind of aquarium fish you’d find interesting?” Don’t suggest buying or anything. Just start a general conversation. Best wishes.
 

Lauradesu

Thank you all for your support. I moved from my old apartment into this one I thought his father was nice.........I was wrong. From day one he stereotyped my gender and the things we do and when me and my fiance got engaged he threw a fit saying I was trying to steal his son away. He his mentally and emotionally abusive and doesn't get anything about any of my hobbies including aquariums.

Yea was gonna be my first question, why not just move out and get ya'll own place? Second what size tank and what other fish besides the goldfish do you have? It helps to talk about the things that make you happy instead of things that don't. Got any live plants. Here are some pics of ours hope it helps. Also we have a Instagram we post vids of our tanks on. A 10 gallon planted guppy tank and 20 gallon community tank with a few plants. jessica.jones9183 on Instagram
20180529_200903.jpg
20180529_161836.jpg
20180529_161818.jpg
20180527_144034.jpg
20180529_220302.jpg
If you do not fear seeing the life of a girl that is goth alternative my Instagram is lauralielestrange I have pictures and videos of my tank amongst other photos of my life.
 

NavyChief20

Ill put my anchors to the side on this one and just respond as a father of three girls and divorced dad rather than a Navy Chief.
Abuse is abuse. As soon as you can get out from under his roof the better. You should not EVER have to endure that kind of treatment, aquarium hobby or not. Imsure your fiance has become numb to it as it seems to be a disorder his father has. Also don't EVER feel like you are inferior because you are a woman. Big deal you are a woman. I am a super type A personality man who has to be unbelievably hard and brutal in my job; however my 17 year old daughter my 14 year old daughter and my 12 year old daughter call me daddy and I am always respectful and a good daddy. My gf is floored at the dichotomy between me at work and me in normal life. Your FIL needs some lessons in how to properly be a man. It sickens me that men treat women like that and that chivalry has become such a lost concept on so many men. God help him if he ever runs into someone like me and treats you or any woman like that.

I know that money is tight when you are younger, but getting out from under his roof could alleviate that stressor.
 

Gypsy13

Ill put my anchors to the side on this one and just respond as a father of three girls and divorced dad rather than a Navy Chief.
Abuse is abuse. As soon as you can get out from under his roof the better. You should not EVER have to endure that kind of treatment, aquarium hobby or not. Imsure your fiance has become numb to it as it seems to be a disorder his father has. Also don't EVER feel like you are inferior because you are a woman. Big deal you are a woman. I am a super type A personality man who has to be unbelievably hard and brutal in my job; however my 17 year old daughter my 14 year old daughter and my 12 year old daughter call me daddy and I am always respectful and a good daddy. My gf is floored at the dichotomy between me at work and me in normal life. Your FIL needs some lessons in how to properly be a man. It sickens me that men treat women like that and that chivalry has become such a lost concept on so many men. God help him if he ever runs into someone like me and treats you or any woman like that.

I know that money is tight when you are younger, but getting out from under his roof could alleviate that stressor.

Don’t stop now! Just told hubs I think I’m in love! Lol. He says he’s right there with you.
 

NavyChief20

Don’t stop now! Just told hubs I think I’m in love! Lol. He says he’s right there with you.

LOL yes ma'am. My son actually opens doors for his sisters. I got my kids in the divorce she got my mercedes. Works for me I get to raise my girls right and my son proper. My gf is a New England girl and is floored by my southern ideals. She eats it up.
 

TexasGuppy

Until you can move out, try to avoid stressors. Never talk about the fish or do water changes when he is around. Don't buy fish when he's in the car. You shouldn't have do dance around him, but it doesn't sound like he's changing anytime soon.
 

Gypsy13

LOL yes ma'am. My son actually opens doors for his sisters. I got my kids in the divorce she got my mercedes. Works for me I get to raise my girls right and my son proper. My gf is a New England girl and is floored by my southern ideals. She eats it up.

Ahhhh. A southern gentleman. Yeah, we don’t have y’all down here anymore. Don’t even have true neighborhoods anymore. So sad.
 

Lauradesu

Ill put my anchors to the side on this one and just respond as a father of three girls and divorced dad rather than a Navy Chief.
Abuse is abuse. As soon as you can get out from under his roof the better. You should not EVER have to endure that kind of treatment, aquarium hobby or not. Imsure your fiance has become numb to it as it seems to be a disorder his father has. Also don't EVER feel like you are inferior because you are a woman. Big deal you are a woman. I am a super type A personality man who has to be unbelievably hard and brutal in my job; however my 17 year old daughter my 14 year old daughter and my 12 year old daughter call me daddy and I am always respectful and a good daddy. My gf is floored at the dichotomy between me at work and me in normal life. Your FIL needs some lessons in how to properly be a man. It sickens me that men treat women like that and that chivalry has become such a lost concept on so many men. God help him if he ever runs into someone like me and treats you or any woman like that.

I know that money is tight when you are younger, but getting out from under his roof could alleviate that stressor.
Thank you honestly, I respect you're navy. My dad was air force but he thinks just like you and when he hears what goes on he always says he wishes he could do more but he is a disabled veteran and he would hurt him self more if he tried mentally and physically. I told my brother about my fish and we got on the subject of my father inlaw and now I have to keep him on a leash around him. We are looking for apartments but I'm on odsp (Ontario disability support program) as well as working part time I don't make enough money by my self and my fiance struggles to find work in my town because there is literally nothing. I only got my job by a fluke with the fact that I went to school for floral arrangement and such and some one in my class whos mother ran a shop decided to hire both me and her and I've been working there for 2 years. I can only work so much because of my anxiety and panic disorder so I work two days a week and my boss totally understands. But as soon as we can get out of this situation and mainly to save my fiance from his father because hes more abusive towards him (I've seen him punch him and he threatened to kick me out if I called the cops) I need to get him all our furbabies and fish out of here.......asap
 

NLindsey921

Definitely get out as soon as possible. I understand what it's like to live in an abusive household. It's not good. I wish you luck.
 

brighteyes

You can get a small cooler to transport fish to help keep the temperature from fluctuating too much in the short term. The father in law may be upset you are spending $ on fish instead of saving it too move out.
 

Lauradesu

You can get a small cooler to transport fish to help keep the temperature from fluctuating too much in the short term. The father in law may be upset you are spending $ on fish instead of saving it too move out.
It's not that, he wants us to stay he doesbt want us to move out hes controlling that way he just doesn't understand that I will panic over my fish because to me they are like any other pet that I own if they get sick I'm worried about them and will do anything to save them, if the chemistry in the water is off you best believe I'm gonna panic and try and find a solution and put it in place. He thinks I'm overly dramatic because I'm a woman, if my fiance panics over the fish he doesn't care he tries to help him. It literally is just me and he says he loves me and cares about me which in the light of things recently (I've been having PTSD attacks) hes been treating me like a delicate glass flower and is always asking if I'm okay, but as soon as fish get involved he just says they aren't worth my time because they can't be like dogs or cats or any other fluffy feathered or creature you can cuddle. What he doesn't know is that while I was having a panic attack and I was hyperventaliting ALL of my guppies came to the front of the tank that faces our bed and they watched till I was calm, it was like they were worried about me. And my female oranda yukI she comes up to the front of the tank every time I come up 5o it and wiggles around like shes saying hello and my other ryukins all greet me as well.
 

NYFishGuy

Gonna have to play Dr.Phil and say FIL has some resentment toward you or both of you.
Doing someone a favor and then having them comment on what you wanted to do during the same trip brings out some repressed anger.
Get out of there asap.
 

NavyChief20

It's not that, he wants us to stay he doesbt want us to move out hes controlling that way he just doesn't understand that I will panic over my fish because to me they are like any other pet that I own if they get sick I'm worried about them and will do anything to save them, if the chemistry in the water is off you best believe I'm gonna panic and try and find a solution and put it in place. He thinks I'm overly dramatic because I'm a woman, if my fiance panics over the fish he doesn't care he tries to help him. It literally is just me and he says he loves me and cares about me which in the light of things recently (I've been having PTSD attacks) hes been treating me like a delicate glass flower and is always asking if I'm okay, but as soon as fish get involved he just says they aren't worth my time because they can't be like dogs or cats or any other fluffy feathered or creature you can cuddle. What he doesn't know is that while I was having a panic attack and I was hyperventaliting ALL of my guppies came to the front of the tank that faces our bed and they watched till I was calm, it was like they were worried about me. And my female oranda yukI she comes up to the front of the tank every time I come up 5o it and wiggles around like shes saying hello and my other ryukins all greet me as well.
On the PTSD note hopefully you are getting some help with that. I know from personal experience that PTSD is a problem
 

Lauradesu

On the PTSD note hopefully you are getting some help with that. I know from personal experience that PTSD is a problem
I am getting help don't worry about that much. I'm getting therapy specifically for it and every one treats me like delicate glass. But I do need to get out and we have a plan now
 

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