Is this gonna ruin my relationship?

So I work at Kroger now. There is this guy that asked me for my number. He has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend so I thought nothing of it. But now he texts me constantly and gives me hugs and forehead kisses. I love my boyfriend so much. This guy, James makes me really uncomfortable but I am too scared to tell him. He really thinks we are best friends. I don't want to crush him. I love working with him and being around him, but I'm scared he will do something to jeopardize my boyfriend's and my relationship. It makes me scared. Today is the anniversary of an ex committing suicide, I asked if there was anything I could do to help, he said he would like a kiss, preferably on the lips. Like I like where I work, and hanging out with him, but I don't want this to ruin my wonderful relationship, like I love my boyfriend, so much. This guy I view as just a friend. But I think deep down this guy views our friendship as something different. And he has a girlfriend like I don't know why he likes me so much. It is so hard to understand what he means sometimes over text. But like he has said that if he weren't with his girlfriend he would definitely want to be with me, in a heartbeat (his words). No questions asked. He has said he has a big crush on me, but he cares about his girlfriend so much. Honestly, what should I do? Do I end this great friendship or do I just set firm boundaries? Like what do I do? I enjoy his friendship and working with him, but should I be firm or just quit?

 

These are the Days of Our Lives... (some will get that )

Tell him you should all go out some time together. The four of you.

And don't be so quick to give out your number.
The guy must be a real jerk and saw you as easy prey. Chances are you aren't the only one at Kroger.

 

So I work at Kroger now. There is this guy that asked me for my number. He has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend so I thought nothing of it. But now he texts me constantly and gives me hugs and forehead kisses. I love my boyfriend so much. This guy, James makes me really uncomfortable but I am too scared to tell him. He really thinks we are best friends. I don't want to crush him. I love working with him and being around him, but I'm scared he will do something to jeopardize my boyfriend's and my relationship. It makes me scared. Today is the anniversary of an ex committing suicide, I asked if there was anything I could do to help, he said he would like a kiss, preferably on the lips. Like I like where I work, and hanging out with him, but I don't want this to ruin my wonderful relationship, like I love my boyfriend, so much. This guy I view as just a friend. But I think deep down this guy views our friendship as something different. And he has a girlfriend like I don't know why he likes me so much. It is so hard to understand what he means sometimes over text. But like he has said that if he weren't with his girlfriend he would definitely want to be with me, in a heartbeat (his words). No questions asked. He has said he has a big crush on me, but he cares about his girlfriend so much. Honestly, what should I do? Do I end this great friendship or do I just set firm boundaries? Like what do I do? I enjoy his friendship and working with him, but should I be firm or just quit?

Definitely do not quit! There's one of two things you can do about this: either set clear boundaries that you are only interested in being friends and nothing else, which you need to firmly define that means no kissing, touching, holding hands, etc. Explain that if you two are to maintain the friendship that he needs to respect your space as a woman in a relationship, otherwise the friendship won't work. The other alternative and what I would personally do (as a 25 year old woman you learn a lot about how to handle men after your early twenties) I'd just cut him off cold turkey. Unfortunately finding guy friends, who are truly only interested in being friends are hard to find. Almost always at one point or another they will develop boundary issues and try to work an angle. I've had to cut off more than a few long time guy friends after we got older and they wanted to try and be more despite me having a boyfriend. A guy that will defy your comfort zone time and time again even after you have expressed the feelings are reciprocated are not good friends and have no place in your life. It's also not worth/fair to you having to carry secondhand guilt because you are tolerating his behavior out of discomfort, even if you know you have zero intentions on acting on his advances.

This is going to be uncomfortable for you no matter what, especially since you have to work with this guy. But as a young girl in the workforce, you need to learn now how to get out of your comfort zone to put your foot down and set boundaries. It's Unfortunate that girls have to deal with this stuff, but as a female in the male dominated auto body buisness, I have dealt with my fare share with sexual harassment and the like. At my age now I would have NEVER tolerated what I did as a younger woman. I wish those men would try me now. I'd send them home crying to their mama's.

 

Well-said, Fishstery!

I agree that Kittymcat04 should set those boundaries. Do not give this person so much power over you that you give up your job to get away from him.

 

Well-said, Fishstery!

I agree that Kittymcat04 should set those boundaries. Do not give this person so much power over you that you give up your job to get away from him.

I get so fired up when other girls are made uncomfortable by guys. Especially younger girls. It makes me think about myself at that age. When I was 18 at my first real autobody job I was sexually harassed by a much older man in upper management. I was heartbroken because I was so excited about my first "real job" only to be let down by behavior like that. I thought the older man was just genuinely interested in giving me advice, especially because my dad was not in the picture I had no father figure. Long story short got the nerve to go to HR (since I was WAY to uncomfortable to confront him directly) and I was made a social pariah for the next 3 months. Rumors spread I was out for a lawsuit and none of the guys would talk to me. I had no female coworkers. I worked there for 6 more years. To make matters worse, like a true predator he constantly tried to tell me I made the whole thing up in my head. Randomly brought the situation up for years. When I quit you can bet I told him he was a perverted sicko infront of everyone.

You aren't alone in this and do not feel bad for being extremely nervous and uncomfortable to confront him.

 

If you're interested in advice from an old guy, tell him firmly that you only want to be friends (it may hurt his little feelings, but he'll get over it; I always did). If he tries to kiss you on the forehead or hug you after that, pull back and ask tell him to stop. If he persists go to someone in management there that you trust and tell him or her about it.

Don't worry about losing him as a friend. If he's a friend he'll accept your wishes, and if he doesn't then he wasn't your friend in the first place, so you haven't lost anything.

 

Set boundaries and be as clear, direct, and firm as possible about what is not okay. You should have no qualms about "crushing" someone's lovesick behavior when he already has a a girlfriend AND you already have a boyfriend. Either of those facts, let alone both, should have been enough to tell him that you'd probably reject him. He either is aware of this possibility and chose to do this anyways, or he's in serious need of a harsh wake-up call.

And frankly, unless his gf knows about this and is ok with this, his behavior is scummy. You shouldn't spare the feelings of someone who's basically trying REALLY hard to cheat on their partner.

If this dude can't handle boundaries, he was never your friend to begin with. If it comes to that, cut him out.

 

Some guys are just ding dongs and don't honestly know the difference between someone being innocently friendly with them and someone madly in love with them. By telling him you don't appreciate the extra behavior, you won't only be doing yourself a favor but him and future girls he comes in contact with by helping him figure out the difference between platonic behavior and romantic behavior.

Or this guy just thinks he's the cats meow and needs knocked down a peg or two.

 

This is a pickle...

If you openly don’t consent to being in a relationship with this James yet he proceeds to cross your boundaries, you must discontinue your friendship with him altogether. See it this way: if he is trying to manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to or shouldn’t do, it’s not worth trying to keep him happy. Don’t assume he is manipulating you just yet.

He has a partner and so do you. I don’t see the status-quo as worth changing if a relationship is what he’s looking for, as he already has one. Unless his current partner is unloving and/or abusive, it’s not worth him looking for a new partner. Doesn’t justify him or anyone else ever pressuring you out of your own relationship!

...aaaand this, is the reason, why up until now, I haven’t bothered with relationships at all. Apart from one or two relationships I can think of, I’ve never observed a healthy relationship before (I’m talking non-marriage relationships). Most last for a matter of days/weeks and cause immature drama between people permanently.

On the other hand, if James accepts these boundaries, I wouldn’t be too harsh on him.

 

Guy's a jerk. Tell you're manager and keep notes with the details of him harassing you - time dates, witnesses.

You're being sexually harassed, you don't have to put up with this just to earn a living.

 

Ah, somehow I forgot about the (I’m assuming non-consensual) hugs and forehead kisses, along with some other details in the thread starter. I took a while to type my response.

But yeah, forget this guy.

 

I debated whether to reply, as there is already some great advice in this thread. But I'm going to, both as a male and as a father to a daughter.

There is this guy that asked me for my number.

Some times a guy asking for your number can be innocent, but always be cautious. My wife had a similar problem a few times where someone would ask for her number and she'd feel bad for saying no.

So, we came up with a new system. I don't care in the slightest what people think of me so, if this happens to her in the future, she simply says "No thank you, my husband wouldn't like it".

Maybe see if your boyfriend would be happy for you to say that, if you feel bad saying no to people in the future?

But now he texts me constantly and gives me hugs and forehead kisses.

This is not "friendship" behaviour. He is trying to push you to see what he can get away with, and it's not OK.

I love my boyfriend so much. This guy, James makes me really uncomfortable but I am too scared to tell him.

The fact he makes you uncomfortable says everything you need to know. Tell him he makes you feel uncomfortable, that you don't appreciate it, and you want him to stop.

If he doesn't, seek out management.

He really thinks we are best friends. I don't want to crush him.

In the nicest possible way, his feelings aren't your concern. You need to take care of yourself.

but I'm scared he will do something to jeopardize my boyfriend's and my relationship. It makes me scared.

Again, this tells you exactly what you need to do. He shouldn't be making you fear for your relationship.

he said he would like a kiss, preferably on the lips.

This is manipulation. He's using your compassion to get you to do what he wants.

When coupled with everything else, it screams harassment.

But like he has said that if he weren't with his girlfriend he would definitely want to be with me, in a heartbeat (his words). No questions asked. He has said he has a big crush on me, but he cares about his girlfriend so much.

This is his way of testing the water, without actually saying he wants to be with you instead. He thinks he's clever by saying it in such a way that he can't be accused of cheating emotionally.

Think how you would feel if you found out your boyfriend had texted another person saying what he says to you, or did the same stuff he's doing to you. If you'd be angry/upset, that tells you it's wrong.

Honestly, what should I do?

Cut him off. Tell your boyfriend. Tell his girlfriend. Tell your management, and tell your mum/dad/an adult you trust.

Do I end this great friendship or do I just set firm boundaries?

Yes. You should end it. It's not a great friendship, he's harassing and manipulating you.

I enjoy his friendship and working with him, but should I be firm or just quit?

You shouldn't quit. Stand your ground, and tell him to back off.

 

I would like to re-iterate one thing devsi said. You said you're worried about your relationship with your boyfriend. I'd suggest you tell him about it so he knows what's going on. If that causes problems with your boyfriend then he's not a keeper anyway.

 

You said you're worried about your relationship with your boyfriend. I'd suggest you tell him about it so he knows what's going on.

Definitely. It's also better he hears it from you, rather than a third party, then doesn't jump to conclusions.

Honestly, I got so wound up replying to this post because it's typical and blatant manipulation. It's a good job FishLore doesn't allow swearing/cussing or my post would have been full of it.

Kittymcat04 - I hope you have an adult you can discuss this with, in real life.

 

Dad of 4 daughters here. I'll tell you what I always tell them. Among young singles, guys and girls are never just friends, at least in the guys eyes. Guys just aren't wired that way. IMO, anyways.

 

Among young singles, guys and girls are never just friends, at least in the guys eyes. Guys just aren't wired that way. IMO, anyways.

That is a weird message to give to young people; “you can’t be friends with the opposite sex, without them wanting more”.

Sure there are situations where the boy (OR girl) develop feelings, but I had plenty of platonic friendships with the opposite sex at a young age

 

As someone who was in a very similar situation last year at my old job, I would cut all ties. It’s very manipulative of him to ask you for a kiss on the mouth to make him feel better about his ex’s suicide? Big red flag. Don’t let him butter you up and I wouldn’t stay friends with him, either. Forehead kisses already feel like overstepping a friendship boundary, especially if he’s saying all this stuff about how he’d be with you and crushes on you and all that. It’s not worth it. Please trust me on this or PM me. Your relationship is not worth breaking over this guy.
With people like him, you need to set boundaries and show him that you’re not playing around, because the VERY SECOND you stand up for yourself after being manipulated for a while, he’ll already know what to say to make you feel bad about being uncomfortable. Ditch him. Tell HR or your manager that he’s making you uncomfortable.

as a girl, I understand why it can be scary to reject/turn away a guy and I’ve also put up with unnecessary and inappropriate behavior to avoid consequences. Please let your boyfriend know if he doesn’t, or your parents.