I think 3 1/2 months was to long

My girlfriend got out of jail after 3 1/2 months spent 4 days with me and I now haven't seen her for a week. Things didn't feel right. She spent 4 days with her parents and the past 3 with some friends. We have talked a few times this week but its like she doesn't want to be here. I don't know maybe I am wrong. I am pretty good at judging peoples moods. I knew things would be different but this isn't what I expected.

I was fine with her seeing family and friends but yesterday was my day off she said she wanted to spend the day with me and I got no call or contact till around 11 pm. She said she couldn't get a ride. She said she would be home this morning and didn't show up before I had to go to work at 12. I don't know if she will be home when I get there or not but my guess would be no. She hasn't checked Facebook all day so I can't contact her her phone isn't turned on yet.

I love her and it is breaking my heart. I feel used. I supported her and waited for her. Oh well I guess I should have done something different. I don't know I am on the way home now so will see if she is there.

 

If she's not there, just keep it moving. One of the worst things you can do to someone is use them. Especially if you know that person loves you. So if she is using you, good riddance. Change the locks and call it a day.

 

Aw man... I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I can just imagine how heartbroken you must feel, and I know exactly how it feels too.

I don't pretend to know your story or what your relationship with her was, but you seem like a stand-up kind of guy. You got a job, you keep things straight, you got your hobby and seem to stay out of trouble. You seem to have a lot going for you. Your girlfriend might be... the opposite of that. I don't want to judge her at all because I don't know her, but it seems that you live opposite lives.

I would feel used too- VERY used. And I would be hurt and angry all at the same time. It's easy to say to someone to not let other people treat you that way, that you should move on, but I'm not that kind of person to take that kind of advice. I'm thinking you aren't either. The best you can do before you can start letting go is try to get an honest answer out of her- how does she really feel about you? Is she really wanting to move on? Was the three months really too long for her? If she at least can explain to you, even a little, what's going on in her head and how she feels, you can then make a decision on what direction you need to take.

But sometimes there is no answer, and some people do use other people- even unconsciously. And sometimes you just have to walk away...

Keep your chin up buddy! Get the answers you need and go from there, keep your life moving forward.

Best of luck and all the positive thoughts I can muster your way.

 

Not here!! Don't know what she is doing.

 

Maybe she doesn't know either, but I would not even bother asking for an answer. If you're calling or texting, don't do it anymore. If she calls or texts you, ignore it. If she shows up at your door, ignore that also. That's what I would do.

 

Does she suffer from mental illness or drug abuse? Could explain some of the behavior.

 

You did not tell us why she was in the slammer, but her experience there most probably was not as hilarious as we saw in Orange is New Black. Things may have happened to her. Perhaps, not very nice things. From what I read in newspapers our prison system is not conducive to rehabilitation, it actually creates recidivists.
You should keep that in mind.

She may be having a very hard time readjusting to being free to go where she pleases, and doing what she pleases, and she may needs space for now. Let her be. Often, the less interest one party shows, the more interest the other one develops. Chin up.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, Frampy.

I've worked with a lot people who are or have been incarcerated. I was also with someone who landed himself in jail awhile back, so I've been exactly in your shoes. Even if we completely subtract the issues that brought the person to that place in life, incarceration alone changes a person. There's no telling what she experienced in there. It's the kind of place where you can be, in fact you must be, extremely selfish. Many people completely detach from the world outside because, well, what's the point? Knowing it's out there is hard enough, interacting with it is just too much to bear for many.

And when they get out, they either forget how to not be selfish and remain 100% out for themselves or they are so changed by the experience that they distance themselves from those things in the real world that actual carry meaning (i.e., to be loved and to love in return).

There's no forcing this. It's a completely personal, internal battle. I know that you want answers but the reality that you may need to face is simply that she's unable to give them to you right now. Probably even unable to give them to herself. Even if she makes her very best effort to give you the answers you need (and deserve), there's a good chance they won't really be what she means or feels, she's probably just as mixed up as you are. If you hold out for that too long, there's a chance you could hurt yourself more than just deciding you don't need an answer. I'm not saying you shouldn't try, but maybe set some boundaries for yourself and manage your expectations on this one. Don't let whether or not she can give you an honest answer govern whether or not you are able to move on.

All you can do is take care of yourself. It's hard being on the inside, yes, but it's also hard being on the outside. Holding another person's outside life together while they are in jail and being technically with someone while you are so alone. I'm not going to point fingers at her, none of us can speak to what she experienced or the type of person she was going in, but I will say that being the person on the outside necessitates completely UNSELFISH behavior. And it's easy to get locked into that upon release, where she stays selfish and you stay completely unselfish until you're locking into your own kind of prison. It's a terrible way to live and it does neither party any good.

My guess is that the moment you stop trying to reach out, she'll come back. Please, for your own sake, don't get locked into this game. Take care of yourself. Grieve and grieve completely then grab those bootstraps, lift yourself up, and move forward. It hurts like words I can't say on FishLore but it is temporary. Staying locked in is not, all it ever does is get worse and become harder to walk away from. Be selfish for awhile. It will do you good. And maybe when you've both got perspective, you'll come back to each other in healthy relationship, but I hope you don't let that guide your choices from here on out either. Just be you for awhile. It's so easy to lose your identity when your world is forced to revolve around your SO and when that happens that idea of leaving it all behind becomes less and less fathomable, don't let it get to that point. It's hard to be healthy in this situation and I've found the only real solution for it is distance and time.

Best of luck to you.

 

poeticinjustices - Very well said.

 

poeticinjustices - Very well said.

Thank you Orion5. It's just, I've been there, personally and professionally. And I remember acutely how hard it was. I can't bear the thought of someone else going through it as well, it can be such a lonely, all-consuming feeling.
frampy - you are in my thoughts.

 

Thanks to all of you!! I had a rough time dealing with her being gone. To have her back was all I looked forward to. I waited just to her her voice. I am confused as to why things have worked the way they have. I was expecting her back on Monday night. I just miss her and have for 3 months. She went to jail for a DUI she made a mistake and paid for it. Now it seems so have I. I can't text or call her she hasn't got her phone turned back on and even if she had its here at the apartment. I will give.her time to deal with whatever but I have been dealing with this also. You would think she would want to start our lives.together again and spend time with each other. I want to make up for lost time. I guess I will never get that 3 1/2 months back.

Helping her while she was in put me in a tight spot money wise. Around a 100 a week on all the phone calls and putting money on her account. I struggled so she wouldn't have to.

She tells me she loves me but I don't feel it right now. Her friend texted me and told me she is at her parents house. So I know she is safe. I don't know if she plans on calling or coming home tomorrow but I don't think she will. I just didn't feel it from her when she came home.

I know its hard being locked up I have been there at times in my life. I have never been with someone who is locked up before. It is hard when everyone asks you how she is doing. I am just confused. I don't feel.like I lost her. Its not the same as breaking up with someone. She has been gone for months already. Its disapontment or like being abandoned. I don't know what it is. Its like I feel alone and wanted to let her know but can't. I felt distance like I have never known when she came back. She has always been a strong woman and done what she wanted. I have never wanted to hold her down in anyway. I just want my time. I am being selfish maybe but I feel alone.

 

Still nothing! I am loosing faith. I don't know what else to do but wait to hear from her. Who knows what she is doing! I have just about given up hope that this will work out. I miss her.

 

I tell you what, man. This is going to sound cruel and might even tick off a few of my female friends here (hopefully not), but I would move on. Some women can be weird sometimes. They want to be chased but they have little respect for guys that do it. They use it as an ego trip. And the last thing you want to do is be the guy that waits around for a girl that is not interested in coming around. I've been there. I learned my lesson. I promise you that if you get cleaned up and hit a bar with your friends, you WILL feel better. If you sit there in the apartment that you tried so hard to get ready for her and think about her, you WILL feel worse. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not only that, but you'll hate yourself for getting pushed around.

 

She messaged me on Facebook she will be home tonight. We will see

 

I tell you what, man. This is going to sound cruel and might even tick off a few of my female friends here (hopefully not), but I would move on. Some women can be weird sometimes. They want to be chased but they have little respect for guys that do it. They use it as an ego trip. And the last thing you want to do is be the guy that waits around for a girl that is not interested in coming around. I've been there. I learned my lesson. I promise you that if you get cleaned up and hit a bar with your friends, you WILL feel better. If you sit there in the apartment that you tried so hard to get ready for her and think about her, you WILL feel worse. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not only that, but you'll hate yourself for getting pushed around.

Many men I've met are the same...

 

I'm so sorry. You really do deserve better. Sometimes, we have to step back and see that the person we love isn't capable of giving back. Only then, can we say "no" and stop struggling to make everything right for that person.

 

I wish I had someone to tell me these things when I was in your place - SHE got the DUI, she paid for it, that's on her, not you. You don't deserve to suffer the backlash of however messed up incarceration made her. That's not your fault and it's not fair to have to suffer the consequences of it for her. If you are going to be home for her now that she says she is coming home, then get what you need, want and deserve from the experience. Please don't just pretend like all is forgiven since she is home now and don't go out of your way to do everything on her terms, it will only enable the dynamic.

Think of it this way - how would she react if you were not home tonight when you said you would be/she decided she was ready to see you?

She has something to work through, there's nothing wrong with that. But it's HER something to work through and if you allow her to give you the run around, not only will you end up hurt, but she'll have no reason to work through whatever it is she's going through. It's just as bad for her as it is for you not to set some boundaries.

So, you deserve some answers. If she shows up tonight, please don't ignore that need. It's time to be a little selfish, it really is, and if she can't give that to you right now, then you do not have to sit and wait around for her. In fact, I would say the longer you sit and wait the longer it will take to find a healthy, balanced relationship with her.

I hope that didn't sound too harsh. I just feel for you because I have really really been here. I've felt this feeling. And I would have been so much better off if I had had someone to tell me these things then.

I really hope it works out for you tonight hun. Don't settle for anything less than what you deserve and, believe me, you deserve a lot. I've been you, and we don't get nearly enough credit for what we had to do while our partners were incarcerated. Please don't forget that. Make sure you get what you deserve. It is time.

 

I tell you what, man. This is going to sound cruel and might even tick off a few of my female friends here (hopefully not), but I would move on. Some women can be weird sometimes. They want to be chased but they have little respect for guys that do it. They use it as an ego trip. And the last thing you want to do is be the guy that waits around for a girl that is not interested in coming around. I've been there. I learned my lesson. I promise you that if you get cleaned up and hit a bar with your friends, you WILL feel better. If you sit there in the apartment that you tried so hard to get ready for her and think about her, you WILL feel worse. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not only that, but you'll hate yourself for getting pushed around.

I agree with you Adam. Us women can be extremely weird and difficult sometimes and honestly I have a hard time figuring out why. We love attention from our men and just want to feel like they care and we do weird things to get that from them, sometimes even bad things if that's what it takes. We have such complex feelings and minds we just feel like men are blind to it and will never understand. Men and women are such different species and that causes our problems that we have with eachother, but then again we r made to be with eachother lol it's a confusing world.

And frampy I'm sorry this is happening in your life, be strong and hopefully things work out for you. we r all here for you

 

Hey let's be fair though, everyone.

Boys are pretty weird too.

 

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. I hope that everything works out for both of you and if it doesn't then I hope your heart heals quickly. ((Hugs)) to you

 

Sounds good, frampy. I hope everything works out for you tonight. I would have asked her not to come, but that's probably terrible advice. I would at least get some real answers as to what hapened.

 

Hey let's be fair though, everyone.

Boys are pretty weird too.

--

Yep. Just as bad or worse...

 

--

Yep. Just as bad or worse...

I love when a guy is man enough to admit it!

 

I know she has been dealing with her granny dying while she was in jail and not being able.to be there shook her up a lot. I think this has something to do with this. I want to be there for her. Its not like her to disappear for days without letting me know what's up. I am hoping for the best. But I will not let myself get torn apart if its not what I want. I love her with all my heart and want to get back to where we were before. We were so good together before she went away. Love and life can be strange. I know where I am in my life I don't need extra stress. I am going to talk this out with her tonight and see where it goes. Hoping for.the best is about all I can do. If not then I will deal with what ever happens. I have been here several times before. Its not my first love. It is one I thought would last. I am divorced so I thought that would last also.

 

Right on. Good luck to you.

 

I hope it works out, best of luck to you.

 

Frampy, I'm sorry the home coming didn't work out as you had hoped.

I don't have any great words of wisdom or advice.

Just wishing you the best whatever the outcome.

 

Last night went good we got time to ourselves and a chance to talk. She has been dealing with her mom and dad all week. I guess the death of her granny hit her mom pretty hard. And then fact she wasn't there at the funeral was even harder for her mom to deal with. Her not having a phone played a big part in what was going on. The distance that I felt wasn't there last night. It did seem different but not like the first few days she was back. I think things will work out between us it just might take some time. I love this woman and don't want to ever loose her. I told her how I feel and she apologized for not letting me know what was going on and for not being her. She said she needed a little time with her family to get her head straight. I will get her phone turned on this week so this won't happen again.

Thank you all for your support and advise! This place and the people her are great for me. It is a group of friends that I have that I can feel safe talking about this to. I wasn't really comfortable talking with my friends because most of my friends known her also. This way I got straight advice without having feeling for either of us getting mixed in.

We will see how things work from here on out but I think we are on the right track.

 

That's great, frampy. It really is. One question for you though. When you say you told her how you feel, did you tell her that you did not want to ever lose her? I can tell you love her, and I'm sure she feels the same, but I still don't find her explanation acceptable. There's always time for a five-minute phone call, and I would think she'd want to talk to you with all that has been going on. It was wrong of her, and I personally would not have told her how much she meant to me after she ignored me for a week (if you even did that). See, people that think their partners will never leave them or hold them accountable will basically do anything they want and feel no fear. That's a bad spot to be in if you're the one on the receiving end. What I'm hearing here is that she came home, saw you for a bit, ignored you for a longer bit, apologized, and is getting her phone turned on now. It seems like a bad bargain for you, my friend. That's just my opinion. I hope I'm wrong, and I often am.

 

She has a lot going on in her head and heart. I was off work yesterday so we could be together it was something we needed. We talked about a lot of things and how we feel. I got a chance to clear the air a little bit. I think things will be OK from here on out. Like every relationship there will be tough times its if you can get passed that point and work on them things even out. I am praying for smoother times ahead. We will see. The more we are together the better things have been. Closer to what I felt before she left. Not fully bit almost to that point. This has been a ongoing stressful situation for 9 months with court and jail, yesterday was a feeling it s done finally. We can move forward and find our way.

As far as getting her phone on its something I wanted. I need to be able to contact her. Being left in the dark doesn't work for me! I told her that it was something I never wanted to happen again. I think I got that point across pretty strongly! There is no real excuse for what she did, someone around you always has a phone. I don't want excuses. She knows I wasn't happy with her.

 

Well, I've always believed that everyone deserves a chance. You're giving her a chance, and I think that's cool. I agree with what Adam said as well - so don't get me wrong - but I've always been the kind of person who thinks, it's so rare that we fall in love, why not try a little? All you have to lose if this does go wrong in the end, is pride. And pride, we often forget, is one of the seven deadly sins, so screw pride. (I'm not religious whatsoever, but I do think its view on pride is quite accurate.)

I say, if you're taking care of yourself - emotionally, financially - and aren't letting someone "bleed you dry" so-to-speak - if most other things line up, why not try, right? You might get a broken heart, but that will heal if it happens. The opposite could also happen.

Good luck buddy! Keep us posted.