So long story short, I got a betta fish about a year and a half ago. I thought I was doing him a good deed by getting a 2.5 gallon tank compared to the cup he came in. I was not on top of the cleaning and my ignorance lead me to believe the green stuff in the tank was beneficial by mimicking their natural habitat. Had I known any better, I would have been on top of it. Looking back I realize how stupid that natural habitat mentality was. Anyways, overtime he got fin rot and by the time I researched and realized what it is, I began treatments. I got him a 6.5 gallon tank. I tried every possible solution from freshwater salt, to anti fungals, to fin rot medicine, to betta conditioner, etc. I tried numerous times and it got to the point where the medicine was burning his fins even more so I just quit on that. I realized it was too late to help my little guy and he slowly deteriorated overtime. But he still ate everyday, although during his last days he wasn't as active anymore. I decided it was time to euthanize him. I followed instructions and I guess I poured in the clove oil solution too quickly and saw him struggle and want to jump out the water. I took him out for a moment wondering if maybe it was too strong and returned him back to his tank for a few seconds but it was too late and I placed him back in the clove oil mixture. Eventually the deed was done and to add onto my guilt that last was scene of him trying to get out of the water was a little traumatizing. I don't understand how all of this could happen when I tried my very best. I don't know if I will ever recover from this emotionally. I don't know how people commit murder, when my little guy is haunting me. It makes me wonder if every single living being is based on just being lucky and unlucky. Are humans and all living beings just born lucky and unlucky? Like this little guy had to go through all of this because he was just unlucky to have me as a mom. And I am about to start a 10 gallon tank and a new 6 gallon tank with general freshwater fish which although I have ran many successful freshwater tanks before I am now second guessing myself. He was my first betta and I did not realize bettas were so sensitive. I didn't realize a small tank would need more cleaning. I didn't realize he needed complete fresh water. Now I understand why those guys in the bamboo vases live a long time although their space is small, its sparkly clean. I was trying to be better than someone who keeps them in little glass bowls, but now I think, that would've been a better life for him. I can't get the thought of his last moments out of my head and I wonder if it was the right decision to let him go but all of his fins were basically gone and his eyes looked like Popeye, although he was still eating. I always thought of him as a strong fighter because even with his illness he was still able to eat and maybe with his last moments he fought too because thats just who he was. I read that fish get excited if too much clove oil is added, but to me it looked like he basically just got choked to death by me, his amazing mother. Maybe it wasn't even his time and I should've slowly let him die naturally. Because if fish don't feel pain then what difference would it be if I euthanized him or if I let him die naturally. I'm embarrassed at how bad he looks, but I also want to show him to get confirmation that it was too late for him because anything I tried didn't work. Maybe I jumped the gun, but maybe not because he was getting worse day by day it was just very slow. Please be honest with me. I guess I came here to find out if anyone has ever gone through something traumatic like this, if I am taking too serious, if I should have not done it, or what. Maybe I need tougher skin if I want to own fish.