How should I tell my friend her ¨tank¨ is not okay?

hello everybody.
recently my friend who we can refer to as ¨sarah¨ got an aquarium (if you can even call it that)

its one of those betta waterfall things, except she keeps whatever she wants in it. Theres been a guppy (yes just one guppy alone), some sort of frog, a few gold fish, and a couple bettas. All which have died within days of living in this thing. I think the little boxes are like .5 gallon. She has no idea about cycling, dosent clean out the water after a fish dies and she puts a new one in, its just overall bad.

Its gotten so bad that I need to say something. How should I tell her this tank is...horrible?

(if you dont know what tank Im talking about heres a pic: betta waterfall - Google Search

help me please ):
Anna

 

Can you just offer to help her?

 

Try to educate her on what she's doing wrong. Show her articles on how to care for bettas (or other fish she keeps). Water parameters, tank size, water changes, etc. And you could, in a friendly way, tell her sticking a living creature in a half gallon box is kind of cruel. I wouldn't even keep shrimp in that. A lot of people who don't know any better buy into what these companies push in stores. "Aqueon makes it, petsmart sells it, there's a betta pictured on the packaging.. It must be good for fish!" It's easy to get mad at the people buying it but the ones selling it are the real issue.

 

Flat out tell her. You dont have to be a jerk to give helpful facts. Im sure she'd appreciate knowing how to keep fish alive instead of killing them all the time and wondering whats going on.

 

I agree to just be direct. Don’t sugar coat it or she won’t take it seriously. Still be nice about it but don’t spare the facts,

 

I've had to do this before to a few people, it's rough. Often, they refuse to listen and continue to mistreat their fish. I had a friend who was keeping two goldfish in a ten gallon. Not horrible, but not good either. He had them for multiple years and just assumed they were healthy. Eventually, one got so stunted that it got internal bleeding and died. After that, he upgraded to a 20 gallon and got just one more. He didn't cycle it, but it's better than nothing.

That whole time, he refused to believe they were unhealthy. He now takes not perfect, but better care of them. It took one of his fish having a slow and painful death right in front of him, with the blood literally visible through its body, to convince him to change his care.

I would just bring up in conversation that you know why her fish keep dying. You can then just give her the facts, and she'll either do her best to help them or ignore you. I hope it goes ok!

 

Maybe try and get her to join fishlore. We can all help

 

Yeah, that would be good. We just have to promise not to attack her like a few others in the past (two gallon pleco person, hot water garbage disposal person, one gallon unheated betta person, etc...). If she joins and we're aggressive about it, it's just going to end with an angry mod, a closed thread, and continued fish abuse. I always feel bad about those threads.

 

Is she actually your friend, or just an acquaintance. If she's a friend, just tell her, what's the big deal. Don't give her a hard time, just tell her in a matter-of-fact way that this fish needs this, this fish needs that, this tank can accomodate this and that, send her some links to read and that's it. Friends should be able to call out friends on their nonsense without walking on eggshells.

Of course, she might ignore your advice, but that's another thing and something out of your control. But that's pretty much the worst that can happen, I don't see how she could get offended, unless you attack her about it.

 

I would offer to rehome the fish for them and get them something more appropriate for the setup (like ramshorn snails. Come in multiple colors and they'll breed for her. She could keep one color in each section of the "waterfall".)

Even if she has the "just fish" mentality, I'm sure she doesn't want them to suffer. Anyone who keeps pets has it in them to see animals happy, so hopefully you can appeal to that. Show her pics of other fish tanks, give her some ideas for an environment that would give her fish a better life. If you've got a local rehoming group (where I live we have DFW Fish Rescue through Facebook), show her the kind of environments they give to their rescues.

Edit:
I know that ramshorn snails are too big for a 0.5g, but it might be easier to get her to replace the fish with ramshorn snails than it would be pond or bladder snails

 

Ok thank you guys so much! This is one of my best friends btw, she obviously hasn't been listening to my fish rants lol. After a little discussion she agreed to get rid of the tank, and get some guppies for a ten gallon, shes also gonna make an account on here because she dosent always trust my judgement hahaha. Thanks guys!

 

Try to educate her on what she's doing wrong. Show her articles on how to care for bettas (or other fish she keeps). Water parameters, tank size, water changes, etc. And you could, in a friendly way, tell her sticking a living creature in a half gallon box is kind of cruel. I wouldn't even keep shrimp in that. A lot of people who don't know any better buy into what these companies push in stores. "Aqueon makes it, petsmart sells it, there's a betta pictured on the packaging.. It must be good for fish!" It's easy to get mad at the people buying it but the ones selling it are the real issue.

In addition- try to get her excited about seeing natural behaviors-tell her how much fun she can have with a spacious cycled tank watching sparring and mating in guppies, or if she wants a betta, watching it explore- and training it to do tricks! I find once people see what fish are like in a reasonable habitat, they no longer want to shove them in little jewel box displays...

 

Ok thank you guys so much! This is one of my best friends btw, she obviously hasn't been listening to my fish rants lol. After a little discussion she agreed to get rid of the tank, and get some guppies for a ten gallon, shes also gonna make an account on here because she dosent always trust my judgement hahaha. Thanks guys!

Btw, can you @ me when she joins? I'm afraid I'll miss it.

 

hello everybody.
recently my friend who we can refer to as ¨sarah¨ got an aquarium (if you can even call it that)

its one of those betta waterfall things, except she keeps whatever she wants in it. Theres been a guppy (yes just one guppy alone), some sort of frog, a few gold fish, and a couple bettas. All which have died within days of living in this thing. I think the little boxes are like .5 gallon. She has no idea about cycling, dosent clean out the water after a fish dies and she puts a new one in, its just overall bad.

Its gotten so bad that I need to say something. How should I tell her this tank is...horrible?

(if you dont know what tank Im talking about heres a pic: betta waterfall - Google Search

help me please ):
Anna

I can do it for you. lol

 

Been there. A co-worker mentioned they had heard I keep and breed fish, had a short conversation. At the time I had a brood of EBA ready for sale. Sold him 3 juveniles. When I delivered the fish, I made some suggestions on their care and such. Some of his remarks gave me "pause", but the deal was done.
A couple of weeks later, he said something is wrong with the fish I sold him. After some Q&A, I knew I made a mistake, again I tried to help, but...
A couple more weeks passed and he approached me about returning them for a refund. What? I again tried to coach him, but... still no interest. He knew everything.
At that point I knew he was a lost cause, poor fish.
Some people want to learn and do their best for the fish, others not so much.
Lesson learned.

 

Yeah, that would be good. We just have to promise not to attack her like a few others in the past (two gallon pleco person, hot water garbage disposal person, one gallon unheated betta person, etc...). If she joins and we're aggressive about it, it's just going to end with an angry mod, a closed thread, and continued fish abuse. I always feel bad about those threads.

This was a nice reminder to be kind

 

You could try to get her to replace the fish with moss balls and other little plants. It actually looks really good and it's super easy to take care of. A lot of people who keep fish like that get overwhelmed when bombarded with the actual healthy way to keep fish, and she might think the moss balls are cool and be fine with those instead.

 

hello everybody.
recently my friend who we can refer to as ¨sarah¨ got an aquarium (if you can even call it that)

its one of those betta waterfall things, except she keeps whatever she wants in it. Theres been a guppy (yes just one guppy alone), some sort of frog, a few gold fish, and a couple bettas. All which have died within days of living in this thing. I think the little boxes are like .5 gallon. She has no idea about cycling, dosent clean out the water after a fish dies and she puts a new one in, its just overall bad.

Its gotten so bad that I need to say something. How should I tell her this tank is...horrible?

(if you dont know what tank Im talking about heres a pic: betta waterfall - Google Search

help me please ):
Anna

I had a "friend" like that. Most of the time you can't help them simply because they're selfish about animals. They see it they want it they get it, without learning about it first. This friend of mine had been keeping comet goldfish (two) in a small bowl. When they died she got more and when they died she got upset and didn't get any more. I saw how upset she was so for her birthday I had cycled a heated 5.5g for her and gave her a betta. (I had wrongly assumed that after how upset she was after loosing them she would do better). I even gave her care instructions. Long story short she still wasn't satisfied, got two nerite snails and then was going to split the 5.5 and put another betta in there, I told her why that wasn't a good idea so she kept the other betta in an unheated .5g plastic carrier. When the betta I got her died (because she kept turning the filter off and on for long term periods and didn't treat his finrot) she told me she was going to put the other betta in there and I told her that was a really good idea. The very next day she bought 3 neon tetras and put them in the 5g (which was no longer cycled) and blew up on me because I told her that they need at least 10g because they need schools of 5 or more and are too active for a 5g. That lead to a fight that lead to other things and ultimately our friendship was over. If someone doesn't care, they won't care.

Moral of the story, everyone makes mistakes (I know I did when I started the hobby) but if they don't start to do their own research or ask questions of "why" or "what am I doing wrong" on their own, they aren't likely to change (unless they're kids lol, this is mainly about adults).

 

You could try to get her to replace the fish with moss balls and other little plants. It actually looks really good and it's super easy to take care of. A lot of people who keep fish like that get overwhelmed when bombarded with the actual healthy way to keep fish, and she might think the moss balls are cool and be fine with those instead.

That’s actually a great idea. And I know not many people are a fan but she could even try raising living organisms like hydra. It’s pretty fascinating I have some in my 5 gallon and just leave it be because its cool to watch them. Maybe also stuff like detritus worms or mini rams horns which I have in my little ecosphere planted jar. (Only 1)

 

That’s actually a great idea. And I know not many people are a fan but she could even try raising living organisms like hydra. It’s pretty fascinating I have some in my 5 gallon and just leave it be because its cool to watch them. Maybe also stuff like detritus worms or mini rams horns which I have in my little ecosphere planted jar. (Only 1)

Second on hydra- when I saw them in my shrimp tank I would have kept them if it weren’t for the shrimp... I actually took one with me to school to look at under microscope (until our lab helper accidentally killed it )
They need to be fed live (daphnia or cyclops work great). She could have an entire micro-ecosystem, (can’t remember if it was pond or bladder) snails even eat hydra, and she could have an assassin snail to control the pond snails. Throw some easy-growing plants, you got yourself a cool little setup. Initially it will be a lot of maintenance, but if she can get the plants going, it might do it’s own thing with just small WCs on her part.

You could try to get her to replace the fish with moss balls and other little plants. It actually looks really good and it's super easy to take care of. A lot of people who keep fish like that get overwhelmed when bombarded with the actual healthy way to keep fish, and she might think the moss balls are cool and be fine with those instead.

Just adding to the moss ball idea-

She could put miniature stained/painted/artisan glass animals, like a turtle. She could also put a changing-color LED. They actually sell something like that on amazon,
Amazon.com: VOSAREA Moss Ball Terrarium Gravel Doll Boat Workbench Decoration Turtles Tabletop Decoration: Home & Kitchen

And you could buy stained glass animals from amazon,
Amazon.com: ChangThai Design 3 Pcs Aquarium Brown with Cute Baby Turtle HandBowl Glass Dollhouse Miniatures Decoration Figurine Collection: Home & Kitchen

Or from Etsy to support local artists

 

As cool as this sounds to us she might not be on board with it. I remember when I first started keeping fish if someone suggested I stopped having fish and started keeping some tentacle looking things I would’ve been like, No way! I guess the longer you keep fish the more you appreciate the natural aspects of it

 

As cool as this sounds to us she might not be on board with it. I remember when I first started keeping fish is someone suggested I stopped having fish and started keeping some tentacle looking things I would’ve been like, No way! I guess the longer you keep fish the more you appreciate the natural aspects of it

Very true. I used to hate snails and shrimp and now they are my favorites since they have such a special niche in tanks ecosystem.

 

Telling other people how to do things can be dangerous territory if you don't sign their paycheck. No one is very receptive to unsolicited help. You really need to start off with something like "hey, want a tip about doing this?" You can be direct, but unsolicited will most likely fall on deaf ears. And remember, 80% or more of communication isn't about what you say, but the tone and body language with how you say it.

 

Telling other people how to do things can be dangerous territory if you don't sign their paycheck. No one is very receptive to unsolicited help. You really need to start off with something like "hey, want a tip about doing this?" You can be direct, but unsolicited will most likely fall on deaf ears. And remember, 80% or more of communication isn't about what you say, but the tone and body language with how you say it.

I agree and I have learned that even if you know something 100%, it's best to say things like " well I heard (insert fact here) but who knows, maybe we should look it up and find out, I might be wrong".

 

That’s actually a great idea. And I know not many people are a fan but she could even try raising living organisms like hydra. It’s pretty fascinating I have some in my 5 gallon and just leave it be because its cool to watch them. Maybe also stuff like detritus worms or mini rams horns which I have in my little ecosphere planted jar. (Only 1)

Second on hydra- when I saw them in my shrimp tank I would have kept them if it weren’t for the shrimp... I actually took one with me to school to look at under microscope (until our lab helper accidentally killed it )
They need to be fed live (daphnia or cyclops work great). She could have an entire micro-ecosystem, (can’t remember if it was pond or bladder) snails even eat hydra, and she could have an assassin snail to control the pond snails. Throw some easy-growing plants, you got yourself a cool little setup. Initially it will be a lot of maintenance, but if she can get the plants going, it might do it’s own thing with just small WCs on her part.

Just adding to the moss ball idea-

She could put miniature stained/painted/artisan glass animals, like a turtle. She could also put a changing-color LED. They actually sell something like that on amazon,
Amazon.com: VOSAREA Moss Ball Terrarium Gravel Doll Boat Workbench Decoration Turtles Tabletop Decoration: Home & Kitchen

And you could buy stained glass animals from amazon,
Amazon.com: ChangThai Design 3 Pcs Aquarium Brown with Cute Baby Turtle HandBowl Glass Dollhouse Miniatures Decoration Figurine Collection: Home & Kitchen

Or from Etsy to support local artists

Here is a good article on moss ball keeping, I think it looks really good! If she just likes the idea of a cool looking piece of nature in her house, this might do the trick. They moss balls won't die easily and maintenance is barely anything. I'm tempted to try, too haha
She might just want fish though, and get defensive if you call her out on keeping them wrong. It's definitely worth a try though!!
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