Can't believe how stupid my friend has been...

Discussion in 'Freshwater Beginners' started by charzar-g, Apr 1, 2010.

  1. charzar-gWell Known MemberMember

    Hey guys, I'm a salty member, but i have freshwater to, but here's my story:

    Basically, my friend ALWAYS asks ME about her fish and stuff, which i guess is better than not asking, but she doesn't do ANY research herself or anything. She has about 4 tanks (one coldwater and the rest tropical) To be honest, she's pretty clueless, and doesn't know anything about the nitrogen cycle or anything.
    Both of her tanks died out completey suddenly, leaving only her coldwater. I try to explain things to her but she doesn't really listen, and she believes everything the fish shops tell her.

    So getting to the main point:
    She went to the fish shop today, planning to buy a rainbow crab, and as usual I had to do all the research and stuff for her, because she doesn't do it, and just asks me, and I told her that I think they should be kept one to a tank, and with no fish unless its a big tank.
    She said okay, went to the fishshop and bought....


    I was like.. what the heck!?
    So just to be smug and annoying as I am, I started asking her questions I knew she wouldn't know the answers too, because she annoyed me.

    She has it in a tiny tank, and feeds it 'turtle food', that the fish shop 'kindly recommended'
    She doesn't even know what type of turtle it is or anything. I will find out as much about her turtle as i can and help her keep it properly, but does anyone else know anyone who could be this reckless?! :s
  2. charzar-gWell Known MemberMember

    Btw - this might be in the wrong place, feel free to move it, I wasn't sure where to put it. But i hope to spark up a discussion :)

  3. harpua2002Fishlore VIPMember

    Sounds frustrating, but you've done all you can. I'm sure you've offered plenty of good info but it's up to your friend whether or not she wants to listen. Maybe you could get your friend to join Fishlore and she'll see that your advice is the same that others would give, maybe then she would pay more attention. :)

  4. bolivianbabyFishlore LegendMember

    All you can is advise. If she doesn't listen, you've still done everything you can, so be proud of yourself for offering the advice:;hug2

  5. MeenuFishlore VIPMember

    you are a better friend than I would be.
  6. leeishomValued MemberMember

    Friend, or not a friend. Usually I say some thing once, that's it.
    Don't try to convince nor school her if no positive results are obvious.
    She will learn in her own.

    Some day.
  7. charzar-gWell Known MemberMember

    She HAS joined fishlore, but she never uses it, I can't even remeber her username :p

    You say i've done all I can, but its just so frustrating.
    She must realise that she's not thinking about things properly.. :S
    Am I the only one who has a friend like this??
    I guess its good that she asks me about thinks, but she doesn't listen to what i tell her after she's asked. It's like.. why bother asking me if you're not going to pay attention?!
  8. LyndaBFishlore LegendMember

    I'm involved in dog rescue and I quite often run into the same problems, but with dogs as the poor victims, not fish.

    Your "friend" falls into one of many categories, but here are a few options:

    1) airhead (may also go by the term "bimbo")

    2) asks your advice but has no intent at all to follow it, no matter how sage it may be

    3) likes to hear herself talk, thus the questions

    4) is too lazy to do actual research but thinks it's "cool" to have fish

    5) thinks the world revolves around her and the rest of us are here as her underlings, thus her asking you to do the research and knowing you will

    6) the rules don't apply to her, and/or

    7) is truly naive enough to believe anything she's told i.e., you can have a turtle in a 1 gallon tank and feed it this food for as long as it lives or a week, whichever applies.

    Unfortunately, by always doing her work for her, you've become an enabler. That's the part that really stinks. You think you're being a nice person (and you sure sound like one) by helping, but in reality, she knows she doesn't have to learn anything because you'll take care of her.

    It's the old "teach a man to fish" thing versus plopping the plate of fish in front of him. Quite appropo in this situation. :whistling:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 1, 2010
  9. ShineWell Known MemberMember

    The friend that annoys me on animal related topics is a bit different from yours... he's more of the 'I've always done it this way and it works; so I'm right type' I wouldn't say research enters into it from his standpoint. I'm the one that does that too.

    Incidently he's the one that got me started on fish. His version of 'cycling' was to come, fill the tank, wait a day and then he turned up with 3 goldfish from walmart to throw in there (in a 10G). Sound at all familiar? Sounds like lfs advise that they handed out 20 years ago to me (and still do). Not knowing anything about fish, I went with it. Until they started dying--what a surprise! Bet no one saw that coming! Thus my research started, and 4 months later i have no doubt I now know more about fish then he does... and he's been 'keeping fish' for at least 10 years.

    Anyway, when topics come up where we both think we are right, we argue, if I throw enough research in his face he occasionally conceeds defeat... and then continues to do what he's always done. I start to wonder why I bother talking about animals (of any sort) with him at all?
  10. bubblefishValued MemberMember

    It's a tough situation. If you don't help out, it's the animals that will suffer. If you help out, they just keep getting new "pets".
  11. Red1313Fishlore VIPMember

    I know the feeling.
    I really hate it when people bring up their "fish keeping skills" around me, I don't mind a good rational arguement but if the other person doesn't care and isn't going to change...
    I've got a friend that keeps betta's in 1/2 gallons "bowls" I lectured her a couple of times and she's well aware of all the facts but she has no plans to change her mind any time. She looks at me and looks sheepish when-ever her fish come up.
    I value our friendship too much to be hard on her but she knows if she ever has problems I'll help her out in any way I can.
  12. jdhefModeratorModerator Member

    There's an old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." You will find through out your life, that you will come across people who will repetedly fail at something, but refuse to take the advice of someone who has had success.

    I have learned that insisiting that a friend take your good advice more often that not will lead to the loss of that friend. It's hard to sit back and watch people make mistakes, but you can't force people to listen. You can offer your advice once, but after that you are just wasting your breath.

    Now that's my good advice to you, and I insist you follow it!:;laughing:;laughing
  13. pepetjWell Known MemberMember

    It's part of life.

    You just seem to have a "trial-and-error" (instead of "ideational" or "reflexive"), likely "achievement-oriented" (as opposed of "process-oriented"), and, I dare to guess, "shallow" friend (someone who doesn't realize that more informationthan she actually is taking as enough needs to be taken in consideration to make decisions in life).

    She is probably a nice person, nevertheless. For some reason you consider her your friend. I figure you can ask her to let you join her during maintenance or go to the LFS together. She is likely to learn by sharing actions instead of ideas.

    All this is just my conjecture. I could be wrong but I figure it's worth trying. That's what I do with my brother in law to "educate" him in fishkeeping (he wouldn't take the time to read but he's someone I love so I accept him as he is).

    Santo Domingo
  14. RhanWell Known MemberMember

    I think you must be saint putting up with having this person as a friend at all, I personally would be constantly wanting whack them on the head. Animal cruelty is a difficult thing to watch :( Even when it is born out of ignorance.

    This is a perfect example of why there should be a licensing system for all pets (including dogs, cats, horses, fish, mice, amphibians, you name it!). It wouldn't solve this problem, but it could definetly work towards helping fix it through mandatory education for owners. You want to apply for a tropical fish license, you have to go through a short course on at least basic care before you recieve the license. It would need to be a joint effort of many LPS/LFS, would only sell to people with a license. Also animal welfare agencies could run these programs with volunteers to minimise costs. I know this sounds so idealistic, but hopefully one day it will become realistic. Money is the problem with my idea :( Too many people wouldn't want to pay a small fee for a license, and a lot of LPS/LFS don't care enough or can't risk losing customers. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

    Sorry, theres my rant over lol

    You're in a very difficult position, I hope your friend gets some sense soon :( I wish I could offer more useful advice than ranting.
  15. MaddieLynnWell Known MemberMember

    If it's an aquatic turtle, it's most likely a red-eared slider. Tons of pet shops sell them. It's illegal for a business to sell them under 4 inches, but a lot of breeders do. They're adorable, quarter-sized and hilarious... until they get to be the size of a dinner plate and need a 100+ gallon tank!

    If it's non-aquatic, it's most likely a Sulcata tortoise, which is even worse... they can get to be 25+ inches long and 200+ pounds.

    Here's a good website to give your friend:   It has a lot of great info on all different kinds of turtles. I used it a lot before I got my box turtle!
  16. ZenialValued MemberMember

    Hi Charlie!

    Your friend sounds rather random... kidnap her and take her to the library! Put ever turtle book in front of her. "I want a 5000 word essay on turtle keeping by the end of the day!"

    But on the other hand, I get it: excitement, determination, dier urge to "nurture" something. I hope she learns swiftly and her turtle turns out to be a good match for her. Who knows, she might surprise you.

    Best of luck to both of you!

    EDIT: I had a friend who received her first tank(small) for her birthday, only thing she wanted was a blue tang and a clown fish so she could call them Dory and Nemo. ---Just No!--- They are the words you need: ---Just No!--- :p
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2010
  17. gremlinWell Known MemberMember

    I have family members as well as friends that are the same way. My sister just brought me her only surviving goldfish to put in my pond - she had 5 in a 10 gallon tank. I suggested a betta or a small group of neon tetras - she got guppies (from another sister). Of course, they had babies, so she now has at least 30 guppies in her 10 gallon tank. She keeps asking me why her tank gets cloudy all the time and "stinks like pee". Some people just don't learn.
  18. Karma23New MemberMember

    Oh no poor turtle it seems. I know when I got my two side necks I was pretty clueless on the whole thing and thankfully I did my research pretty fast. Turtles are hardy creatures ( most species anyway) and can put up with some horrible conditions, doesn't mean they have to. Here is some necessities for the little guy

    The turtle food (if it is a slider then it eats less and less animal matter and more plant matter as it gets older) should be okay for now but if is not dusted with calcium the poor turtle will end up too big for its shell. I have seen some graphic pictures online of turtles outgrowing their shells or pyramiding, where the shells becomes bumpy. It's not a pretty sight.

    I hope she has a place for the little guy to dry off or else this could lead to shell rot. Also she needs a UVB light for optimal calcium metabolism.

    I'm pretty sure your friend has been told this by the pet store but those are the most important. The pity about turtles is even when sick they don't show it until it's too late. They are hardy and wonderful pets to have and I love mine to death. Thankfully she has a friend like you who can set her straight.

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