Alone again...naturally...warning bigtime rant follows....

So maybe some of you men out there can help me. Apparently, it's the WOMANs job to clean the house while the man goes out and does whatever all day. Then, even though he's borrowing MY vehicle, he gets mad for me asking him to pick up vacuum bags (the thing is 30 freakin years old, but god forbid we buy another one while this old piece still pretends to work)...bah.

So I call him to ask him what time he's coming home for dinner...and he responds, I dunno, when I get there. Well, forget that pile. Great. I don't even know if he's coming home for dinner now, or if I'll get a call at midnight or one am asking for me to come and pick him up because he's gone and gotten drunk with his stupid nephew. But, he's forgetting that HE"S GOT MY TRUCK!!!!!....oh well, have fun walking or waiting for a cab...

I'm telling you guys...I"m up to here *points way above head*....

Or am I wrong, is it MY responsibilty to clean the house, look after all the tanks, take the dog for his walks in the morning and at night, cook the meals and clean up after him, do the laundry, and all while maintaining two jobs?!?!??!?!

I feel like I'm in the 1800s....well, except for the computer....

baaaaaaaaaaah, I need a beer. *wanders to fridge*

 

Sounds like he needs to sleep on the couch for the next month. *stab*

You're a superwoman, you are. You should go awol one day. Just leave him a post it on the fridge saying 'Gone out. Not sure when I'll be home. When I get home, I guess. No dinner. Feed dogs and fish. Have fun.'

 

A man's job is from sun to sun, a womans is never done!

Are you working two jobs? Any kids? I have found over the years it is good to let yourself off the hook, if there is something you feel really stubborn about doing, take a break.....(except the tanks, don't make your babies sick ) Sounds like you need a vehicle that he doesn't use.....I know all about that being stuck stuff, and I just won't stand for it.

Rant all you want to. But the thing to do is to make some positive step to make things better, so it isn't the same thing to look forward to every day, you have to have some light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to!

 

no kids, but two jobs...one that I work at 5 days a week, 8-10 hours a day (fishtank maintenance, so not really a job, but tiresome nonetheless LOL) and I tattoo on the weekends at a shop downtown. So really, before I even get home I'm working anywhere from 60 to 80 hours a week BEFORE I even get home...then it's literally:

Walk in the door...hang up coat, go to kitchen and make dinner. While dinner is cooking, throw in a load of laundry and make a cup of tea. Serve dinner. Clean up after dinner, rinse dishes and throw into dishwasher. Get some sort of dessert ready. Serve him dessert. Change another load of laundry and take Dexter for a walk. Get in, do yet anoth load (if needed) do evening feedings on fish and weekly mainentance (I rotate the tanks..ie, monday is certain tanks, tuesday is different ones etc etc). Go to bed around 12:30 and wake up by 6 am. Make hot coffee, cereal etc and out the door by 730...

whew,...that was tiring just typing it LOL

 

I would set down specific rules on using the truck. If you're married, they should be about 50/50. If you're not, and you bought that truck, then he uses it at your whim.

As far as being around, my response again rests on your relationship. As Susitna said, don't put up with it. I don't think going out and buying another car is the solution, though. I think it's a bandaid (not saying don't do it, but something else needs to be done, as well). Either a talk about what is acceptable or even counseling is a good idea if he just takes off like that. Not cool (of course, this is coming from a guy who has been away from his wife for about a total of nine days in as many years).

 

Sirdarksol, you are a peach......understanding and sounds like a person who would never put someone else in the situation that has been described here. BUT from the perspective of someone who has lived much as described for over 25 years......

A MAN needs to take responsibility for himself....he also needs to be respected, and have a certain status. So if the truck isn't his....he needs a truck of his own, to use, abuse, and lose......But Rbacchiega should not have to cater to his whims, thus she needs her own transportation.

When kids are involved it complecates the whole picture....kids need to know that parents are both there as stable influences, that they NEVER do anything to cause uncertainness in the family. A DUI in a family situation can cause much more harm to kids than I think parents are willing to admit....but even if it is just a couple, you are right, it is time to have some serious discussions about where this is headed.....

If a long term relationship , marrage is involved, it should not just fall on one person to be the responsible partner. For me, sometimes I carry the load, sometimes it is my husband, when I just want to throw up my hands and screem.....though in my case, I just have a hard time ever once in awhile when everyone takes me for granted....like a 18 year old boy at home who won't chop the wood, and the 53 year old mom has to do it to keep the house warm......WE all have our stress points that cause us to want to throw a fit!

 

A MAN needs to take responsibility for himself....he also needs to be respected, and have a certain status. So if the truck isn't his....he needs a truck of his own, to use, abuse, and lose......But Rbacchiega should not have to cater to his whims, thus she needs her own transportation.

If a long term relationship , marrage is involved, it should not just fall on one person to be the responsible partner. For me, sometimes I carry the load, sometimes it is my husband, when I just want to throw up my hands and screem.....though in my case, I just have a hard time ever once in awhile when everyone takes me for granted....like a 18 year old boy at home who won't chop the wood, and the 53 year old mom has to do it to keep the house warm......WE all have our stress points that cause us to want to throw a fit!

I agree that a man (and a woman, for that matter) needs to take responsibility for himself, but that doesn't mean he has to have a truck of his own. I know plenty of men and women who don't have vehicles of their own who are still responsible.

I entirely agree with the second, and it applies to men and women equally. Nowhere was I suggesting that she should be the only responsible one. That's why I suggested a discussion (or counseling, if it's warranted) to let him know what is expected of him in a relationship. (A friend of mine is learning this as his ex-wife continues to fail to hold up her end of caring for their kid).

Edit: And I say that you close the vents to the 18 year old's room. Let him sleep in the cold for a night and he'll chop wood the next day.

 

we've had lots of talks...but that's all they seem to be...are talks. Something like this will happen, I'll go rent a hotel room for a night and take the dog, he'll call me, tell me he's sorry and things will get better for about a week. Then we fall back into the same old routine. I know that it's my fault for allowing this to happen to me over and over again....but the things we do whilst in love. And that's another thing. In the 4 years we've been together, he's only said "I love you" twice...both after a night out with the boys and while I was upset and on my way out the door.... I know it's just words, but sometimes a woman just needs to hear I love you from a man, you know? I even started coining a phrase so that maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal...like when we are out in public...I'll say "I mac and cheese you"...which goes back to our first true date...when everything was all fuddy duddy and he made me dinner...mac and cheese....but that was four years ago.

God, what am I possibly doing here!?!?! There isn't even a ring on the finger! We're just common law because we've lived together for 2 years...

 

I agree that everyone should be responsible for themselves, regardless of gender.

Rbach... If your boyfriend/hubby/whatever you call him can not be more responsible than that I would seriously look at whether it is worth staying or not. You have to learn early on that people only change if THEY want to change for THEMSELVES.

If it is your truck and he refuses to honor your wishes with its use, and you are not married currently, warn him once that it will be reported stolen should he take it against your wishes... It wouldn't take more than once of him being arrested for auto-theft for him to learn his lesson.

From the way you talk about yourself you seem like a strong, independant, and intelligent woman... why do you settle for less than you deserve? You could do better than the inconsiderate, self-centered, lug of a drunk.

Even if someone doesn't agree with my message up until this point, take this quote as it holds true in all situations.

"Life is too short for one person to be happy at the other's expense."

Good luck.

 

Thanks CWC....you're words ring true...something I've been thinking about for a while.

Sorry for the crazy rant guys. I just have no one else to talk/yell at...the dog doesn't know any better, so there's no sense in yelling at him...plus he's adorable and my only buddy at home.

 

:;a2 Well, sounds like you need to read a book on Boundaries, and decide if you want this treatment all your life, or stand up and say you are worth more. Sounds like there is no changing this fellow.

There are some really fine guys out there....who would say "I love you", you just have to believe it, and believe you are worth it!

 

S-flower is right, plenty of good guys out there.

(I can't help but notice that you seem to have had your mind made up before you received our advice... Usually if the mind is made up then there must be great reasons for it, and always trust your gut instincts, they're usually right.)

If you do leave him make sure to leave him a note just as rude as how he behaves...

"Gone out... ain't coming back... feed yourself..."

 

I think my mind was/is sort of made up, but it's still hard. I'm only 22, so pretty much my whole adult life has been with this one man....and I totally feel lost not knowing what I'd do without him....and I swore to god I wouldn't go through this (*mom did the same thing before she found my step father).... stupid heart and stupid emotions LOL...hey, at least I'm smiling and laughing!

 

Oh I feel for you!!! My EX would come home to a hot meal everyday, somedays i'd have run a hot bath to help him unwind when he got in, glass of wine poured. I could have spent the day blitzing the house and i'd get comments like 'this place is a *"*"tip, it needs cleaning' then he'd redo my work. Or his 2 children would trash the place overnight then in the morning off the 3 of them would go leaving me to tidy up, wash dishes etc. I adored this man and I would probably still be with him if he hadn't asked me to leave ( oh I did ALL of the DIY in the house too) He said I was like a 3rd child!!!

My comment is after having lived that and now I have hindsight is value yourself more!! Sadly some people will just take. I too have sat at home alone waiting for him to come in from a boys night out. I say get yourself out and relax, don't have dinner ready every night. When he runs out of clean socks let HIM find the washing machine himself. You aren't in a relationship to 'serve', it should be a union of love and respect.

If you aren't happy you can always walk away, it is painful but we survive. I am still single and I can feel very lonely but it is far better to feel this way than the feeling I am not good enough as I used to!! Good luck

Gosh girl!!! 22!!! you have are WAY too young for this rubbish!!

I agree about the gut feelings! You know my gut feeling the first time I met my ex was to turn and walk away!! How bad is that, now I know why!!!

 

Wow, okay, after reading a couple of your last posts, I'm more willing to go out on a limb, but it's already been said, so I'm just going to back up what CWC, Susitna, and Taz have said. If you decide to leave him, nobody important will ever question your decision.
He sounds like a waste of your time to me. If you've had the talks, and if he doesn't care enough to listen and act upon them, figure things out. (I'd add "...get your own darn truck" to CWC's note)
If the world were perfect, your current "man", Taz's ex, my friend's ex, and others like them would find each other and spend a lifetime of terrible eternity together. (Okay, so my friend's ex has found such a person, and they're gearing up for a horrible life together) My heart goes out to you guys. I hope that things work out for you. (BTW, if the kid's his, too, don't let him get away with not making child support payments. I know too many people who waited until they were deep in debt to take the child's other parent to court and have seen the trouble it's caused.)

 

My advice: Leave the bugger. Yes I'm being blunt but that's coz I'm a Brit. You're 22 years old and deserve better. At that age you should be enjoying life not working yourself to an early grave; 60 - 80 hours a week, come on girl, break free of the chains!

Remember that saying: There's more fish in the sea.

A woman should be appreciated not treated like a slave as Tazmiche put it; especially if she is the one that brings home the dosh!

You're thinking about leaving; good! Now put the thoughts into action and sing the "I Will Survive" song.

 

Thanks Sirdarksol!

Rba, what ever you decide, i/we are willing to listen and support you! Be true to yourself!! And besides, the dogs happiness comes before his!!!

Haha, listen to D!!! fellow brit well said!!!!!!

 

Thanks guys, seriously. Who knew that people you've never even met can rally up behind you when you need it. Thanks.

Well, it's almost 10 pm and he left this morning at about 9:30...so 12 hours outta the house without so much as a call. I just tried to call him to see if he was even coming home or (because I still do worry about him) he wanted me to call a cab. Nope, no such luck...won't even answer. But this has made up my mind. Well, not JUST this, but this is the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak....

He's up for a rude awakening when he comes home tonight to find the dog and I in the spare bedroom with doors locked. Or when he drags his sorry behind out of bed after "sleeping it off" and finds his bags packed at the door.

 

I joined fishlore 2 months after my break up, the support I found here was a million times better than my real life mates.

If you have decided to end it, keep strong. Your signature says all that needs to be said!! We love these people and they stamp on our emotions without giving us the time of day.You are too young, at 23 I moved to Germany for 3 years, I had such a good time. I'm now 38, gave 9 years to the ungrateful moron ( I wanted a child...he said no because I already have 2!)

I'm not bitter towards men, everyone has their own character/way of being.

IF you move on to the next phase of your life without him it will be sad and may hurt like heck. I can tell you that it will get easier. I'm 2 years on from leaving the house. I haven't heard his voice for almost a year.BUT as I said, no matter how bad I feel dreaming of the past it is not as bad as making the phone call that is never answered, the waiting to see if he will come home. You are still there and he doesn't deserve that loyalty! Gosh I sound grown up!!! haha.........I will always listen! Michelle

 

I know decisions like this are hard, but let me tell you a little story.

My oldest daughter, is a very sensetive young lady, self concious, and a little over weight. She was going to college, and had a bad semister. She felt like she had to come home for a little while.

Here for almost a month, she ran into an old boyfriend. Down on his luck, they took a drive after only talking for a week and decided they were going to get married! As mom MY first reaction was OMG, jumping from the skillet into the fire! WELL she was 23, and a woman. SHE wanted somewhere to belong, and someone to belong to!

Problem was THAT was what was important to her, and since 6 years earlier they had dated and been friends, she just jumped into it!........ WELL within 6 months HIS looser ways were really rearing their ugly head! He did everything he could to separate her from any shread of self dignaty she had. Long story short 2 weeks short of a year of marrage, and after them moving all the way to Wyoming, he told her he wanted a divorce!...

NOW fast forward , she is now 25, she has gone back to school, will be graduating this spring, and going on to get her doctorate, she is married to a really nice guy who just got a job making $65,000/yr. They just bought a cute little house, and are expecting a baby in May!

Life does go on. Until YOU believe you are worth it, you will hang around a guy that doesn't feel you are!

Look forward.....SET GOALS, & don't back down...What ever that means. If you want more out of life, work for it and look for those good people who want the good things for you, and enjoy spending their time with you, not in some bar, or out with the guys!
April

 

wow s-flower...I was keeping it together until I just read your last post. Now I can't stop crying. You're spot on. He made me feel like I was worth something, and I fell for it. I can't do this any longer. I'm packing my stuff tonight

 

Rbacchiega, I wish you a lot of courage.

My story I similar to Michelle's, except he was also psychologically abusive to me, so that every shred of self-esteem I had left were torn away by him. Also, I'd moved to Holland for him, and I didn't really speak the language back then, so that was an extra barrier.

After many near-misses, I finally left when I was 29, although 30 had always been my scary age (you know, the age by which you HAVE to have children and be married). Result, I was uncontrollably extatic for a week - my friends were wondering whether it was even decent to the guy to feel so relieved after a break-up. Then I was really anxious for 6 months, and thank god my friends prevented me from getting back together with him, as he was trying really hard to get me back. Then I learnt to live alone and learnt to love it, as soon as that happened, I met my now husband - who, needless to say, is nothing like my ex.

Moral of the story: we all need one idiot in our lives to make us appreciate the nice guys. Just try not to spend too long with the idiot. If it's anything like me, the break-up pain won't last, and is well worth going through for all those exciting things that await you. You'll be able to choose your own decoration, your own hours, your own friends. Your self-esteem will grow skywards as you'll be standing on your own two feet.

I know it's not nice to suggest someone should split up, but that question to ask is: realistically, is he ever going to change for good? If the answer's no, then better take that plaster off nice and quick, and heal from it as soon as possible.

My :

 

Big hugs Rbacchiega. I know it's hard to let go of something you've had in your life for years......you strive everyday to try and make things change for the better, but in a relationship it takes two.
It sounds like you have had enough and are ready to let go, good for you.
I won't say "I would do this or that" because I believe only when you are in a certain situation would you really know what you would do...if that makes sense.
But I would suggest the following, since it looks like you can support yourself financially:
Start looking for a place of your own. (Unless I missed it you didn't mention if the lease is in your name or is)
Open your own bank account (again, you didn't mention if you had a joint account) and save a little money.
He doesn't need to know you are doing any of this.
This way you have all your ducks in a row, so to speak.

Best of luck to you.

 

God, what am I possibly doing here!?!?!

Good question. Sounds like you get no love, consideration, respect, or caring, all of which are necessary to have a good relationship.

You're 22 years old with a whole life ahead of you and you deserve to be happy. Believe me, you'll find someone else and when you do you'll wonder why on earth you stayed with this.....person...so long.

 

Lucy hit the nail on the head. As important as it is to leave this man, you need to make sure that you are ready to leave - not just emotionally, but financially. Sock away a little bit of money here and there, not enough to raise suspicion, but enough to make sure that you have enough for first-last-security deposit for a place of your own. Take the time to find a place, and then go. If you run off without getting yourself situated first, you end up suffering even more.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

 

goodmorning posters...
After a rough but atleast a little sleep. Here's where we stand:
I did not pack my things right away, because frankly, I can't afford to move out just yet. I do have a bank account in my own name, and will be putting any and all tattoo money into it, since that's the job where I make more money at, even though I only work on weekends. I'll be looking for places of my own and making little notes.

Surprisingly enough, Dennis was up the same time I was and I told him I think we needed to take a break, to figure out exactly what the two of us want out of this relationship. I told him that I wanted someone to eventually marry, a friend, but most important someone who is there for me and who cares about me. I'm not sure if he was totally receptive to it, but at least I said it.

We go from here.....

Thank you everyone for your help through this, it's much appreciated

 

Sounds like you've got a plan going and you, at least, know where your future lies. You've been mighty fair to him (far more than I would have been, in your situation, I fear. I commend you), and are making plans to keep your life moving forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

Again, we'll do what we can to support you. Remember that, unlike your local friends, it generally costs us little, financially or emotionally, to do so. I'm not trying to belittle our efforts, but letting you know that, just because it seems like we're more supportive than your local friends, doesn't mean they don't love you and care for you. It takes a lot more to go out on a limb like this when you know both people involved, and when you see everybody on a regular basis, and so on and so forth.
Online communities are awesome for what has happened here. We allow for a good balance of emotional and intellectual discussion for helping someone sort out their own feelings on a topic.
However, there is a limit to the amount of emotional or physical support we can offer. Nothing beats being in contact (or sitting close to) another human for extra support. Even just heading out for coffee, tea, or lunch with a friend can provide a lot of comfort, even if you don't discuss anything of any import. And most of us would be unable to help you pack your stuff up and move out, when it comes to that (I've seen a person packed and moved in one day, with the help of six friends, one to keep the guy away from his wife, three to pack, and two to move boxes out of the house, all while the woman told people what was hers and what could stay)

 

Now that I've read all the posts thus far, I hope you will keep posting to us. Especially if it helps you sortout your thoughts. It is good medicine to have an outlet for things that trouble us, even if it just means writing it down on paper. You are so young, and need an equal relationship. Ask yourself...How many things that I do now, would I have to do for myself if I lived alone?(or w/a roommate) From what you've said, it would seem as though you would have LESS to do in that circumstance. If there was a balance with Dennis, you might still do all the things you've been doing for the BOTH of you if he was able to fill your emotional needs.Many times us females expect our fellas to know what we want/need by osmosis, they can't. Us older gals have learned to be able to express ourselves and give the guy a fighting chance. Sounds like you've been fairly trying to do that, with little success. I would wallpaper the moon twice over, as long as I know someone appreciates me for it. When that doesn't happen, it's time to pack up. We're here for you...take care...be wise...ask for help from those you can.

 

Wow, things are really happening, hey? Good on you for setting it straight. You, like every human being, deserve someone who respects you and is there for you, like you said.

As it will take a while before you move out, you'll be having doubts: it's exhausting, that phase when in the morning we think we're definitely going to leave him, and in the afternoon we think of MORE ways to make it work, and in the evening, he lets us down again. This is what I used to tell myself in my 'preparation' phase:

• Is he realistically going to change? Is he ever going to be consistently committed (not just as a way to apologise) and considerate?
• I am NOT asking too much. Everyone is entitled to a minimum of respect.
• I am stagnant with him, he's in the way to moving on to someone who truely is right for me.
• Whether it's my fault or his doesn't matter anymore. It simply is not working, and the longer I stay is the longer it will take for me to meet someone who's right for me.
• I am going to have all this freedom to choose my own hours, clothes, meals, wall-paper! (wall-paper is the one that actually got me to leave, LOL).
• I am only 29 (well, you're 22, but you get the drift). I have lots of time to meet someone who is actually compatible to me, and who'll make me feel safe in the relationship. I'll be a more complete person if I learn to be on my own for a little while. Only when I stop looking and am finally happy with myself will I meet my soulmate, someone who will respect me for who I am, and won't demand that I bend my personality completely out of shape to suit him.

Best of luck, it sounds like you're doing the right thing and you're realising that continuing is like trying to squeeze water out of a stone.

At times when you're not sure whether you're being unreasonable in your demands or not, just wonder whether he would accept you doing whatever behaviour is shocking you. Any behaviour of his that he would never accept from you, and you're sure he's out of order.

 

Don't hit me please - I clean the house & tanks, do the dishes & laundry.. and the cooking.

Seriously though -

 

Am sure Tracy does her fair share, hey, Dave. Otherwise, feel free to have a rant! ; )

Seriously, though. It goes to show you don't treat her like your maid servant and driver, but like your equal.

Don't hit me please - I clean the house & tanks, do the dishes & laundry.. and the cooking.

Seriously though -

 

Who's Tracy? Yea, Stacy does help out when I need it.

 

goodmorning posters...
After a rough but atleast a little sleep. Here's where we stand:
I did not pack my things right away, because frankly, I can't afford to move out just yet. I do have a bank account in my own name, and will be putting any and all tattoo money into it, since that's the job where I make more money at, even though I only work on weekends. I'll be looking for places of my own and making little notes.

Surprisingly enough, Dennis was up the same time I was and I told him I think we needed to take a break, to figure out exactly what the two of us want out of this relationship. I told him that I wanted someone to eventually marry, a friend, but most important someone who is there for me and who cares about me. I'm not sure if he was totally receptive to it, but at least I said it.

We go from here.....

Thank you everyone for your help through this, it's much appreciated

Sounds like you had your thoughts fairly well together before you talked to Dennis, good for you. Stand firm, and stand UP for yourself....YOU are IMPORTANT, WORTHY, and deserve all the happiness every girl hopes for.

I think sirdarksol brought up a good point. Online venting and advice does serve a purpose, one that even your friends can't, that being a supportive shoulder to lean on, without actually being encumbered with all the baggage that a friend sometimes brings to a situation like this. BUT you do need to have your friends as support also. You haven't really talked about that. DO you have girl friends that you can share this with.....NOT the catty kind who would use it against you, or to cause trouble...but that will really be there for you?

Best advice I could also give at this point is to do things to improve yourself.....what ever that means. The more you are happy with yourself, and can see improvement in your life, the more others will notice also.
Take a class,
Exercise,
Start your own business....anything!

But DON'T jump into another relationship for at LEAST a year! and don't mix alcohol/drugs with any decision you make! Make sober choices, they are the ones you can live with long term.

Good Luck, and keep us in the loop!

 

Sounds like you have your mind sorted. I really feel for you at this yakky time. Stay strong!!

 

You go girl.

Be strong sweetie. For yourself and your future. Life has so many grand things to offer. Life can be so sweet. In my experience, people never change. They may alter their behavior for a while, but eventually true colors must come through.

My mom always said: What you see, is what you get...

... and if you aren't getting the love and respect you deserve, then you need to bail.


Best wishes with your journey...

 

Ooooops. Sorry, Stace, erm, I mean, Dave!

I have always confused these two names. Apologise to her for me, will you?

Who's Tracy? Yea, Stacy does help out when I need it.