Angela_96

This is the real reason I haven't been online that much lately:
Things were going so great and are going great with me and the kids.

However I am having a HARD time dealing with the marriage right now. Yea, we had fell in love again, and all but there were some details about our separation that I was not told about until after Kendra was born and its just eat at me until a lot of my favorite things to do have fell behind.
He apparently dated someone for a couple weeks while we were separated. This person isn't just someone I will neve see, etc she is a social worker where my grandfather is in the nursing home. So its really caused a lot of issues there, like the fact I haven't took Kendra to even meet my grandfather because I am afraid of what I would do if I came face to face with her.

She had been trying to break my marriage up for months apparently, and when we had a weak point she preyed on us. Well, it takes two.... Not to mention I really don't understand this one, she is abou 40lbs heavier than me, def looks like she got beat by an ugly tree, and is 6 years older than me.... ?? She is also a married woman, that her first marriage was split up because of this same thing, her husband cheated while she was pregnant.

I am so upset by the fact I was pregnant during all of this, and the fact before we decided to "date" again he didn't tell me. I would have NOT gotten back into this had I known about it all......
I am having a really hard time dealing with it all, and trying to not act irrationally and make a life changing decision right now. There is so much going on, I had surgery two weeks ago, the kids, kendra... just SO much.

I really feel like I am going to loose it!

Beth1965

You sure are having tough times. They will get better but an important thing I think is that you are aware that you shouldn't make any life altering decisions right now.
Life is crappy sometimes for sure.

peacemaker92

Hi Angela.

So sorry you're going through this tough situation. And it's good to share with us your problems, it helps. I know there's nothing some of us can do but lend you a listening ear. Hope things get better soon.

aquarist48

hmmmm Hello Angela. I'm by no means a marriage councilor but I say if you love him and he loves you forget about what has happened in the past. If you don't then how can you start anew? This doesn't mean to close to your eyes to everything that is going on around you. I read a book years ago (sorry don't know the author) called "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, and It's All Small Stuff". If you can find it I think it would be worth your time to read it. Let the petty stuff go.
Best wishes!
Ken

gunner13

My wife left me last October for another man, I have also found out things that wer'nt mentioned before. We are back together now and have been since march, but all the past still circles in my head and it hurts especialy when you think your love can never be challenged. chin up and think about you self and the kids, try not too let this beat you. Life deals some very cruel blows but be strong. Relaitionships are never easy but can be rectified for sure. My thoughts are with you and hope you come through this with a SMILE on your face.
All the best
Nick

TedsTank

Well I have to agree with aquarist48!!!
In my opinion, Love, Forgiveness, Honesty and the ability to comunicate openly is the backbone of a marriage. I've been married for 39 years now and it has worked for us.

Infedelity is the tough one, but with the above all can be ok. If he has come to you for forgiveness and you do forgive him, it is done...no you won't forget it happened but the scar from that should be minimal to none, and move forward.

With that other woman, he needs to clear that up and erase it.

And you, Dear, need to continue to go see your grandfather with Kendra. I know it is hard but the other woman should be treated with at least human respect, if you see her too.

There is a lot of healing that needs to happen and it will, if you both want it....and don't forsake grandpa.

Aquarist note about "don't sweat the small stuff"...is so true in a lifetime together.

click

I'm sorry to hear you're having problems. You sure are in a tough position. He was wrong not to tell you from the start about the relationship but maybe he learned a lesson and will never keep anything from you again. The only advice I can give you is to keep the communication open with your husband and tell him what you're going through and feeling. You might be able to work things out.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope things will be better soon. Keep your head up.

namehater

you shouldnt worry about the other woman, you won him right? why hold a grudge.

sirdarksol

Breathe. Deep, slow breaths, thinking of nothing but the air going into and out of your lungs. Clearing your head this way can help alot.

There are two things you need to focus on; your kids and yourself. Your kids, of course, need you. I agree that Grandpa should still be in the picture. If you run into this woman, just ignore her. You're bringing the kids to see Grandpa, and that's all that matters.
And if you're not emotionally/mentally/physically whole, you're not there for yourself or your kids, so you need to take care of yourself.
Here's where I don't have much advice. Everybody is different. Every relationship is different. So much of what you're doing is forging a path of your own. My wife and I are almost like twins, we are so much alike. A good friend and his wife are almost as different as can be. My in-laws are both super-opinionated and argue a ton, yet have been married for a long time. My parents are somewhere in the middle, not exactly alike but not complete opposites either. Each of us treats our relationship differently, yet all of us have great marriages.
However, in relationships there is one constant, although it's a bit of a contradictory one; there are no constants. Every relationship (platonic and romantic) is a garden of love, indifference, hatred. Both parties choose which flowers to tend and what to water them with. The garden is continually growing and changing. Any attempt to hold it in any one form is liable only to cause it to stagnate. The best advice I have heard (that applies to everyone) is to focus on the seeds of love and tend them carefully. Sounds cheesy, yes, but that makes it no less true.

Red1313

<hugs>

Angela_96

Thank you so much! Great advice! I have no problem working on forgetting/forgiving but how do you "trust" someone after this?

Thank you!

I do plan to go see my grandfather, with Kendra, my first day off (lol that seems to be a year from now) I think its Wed of next week?

Thank you, we have been communicating better. He says that he has really learned a hard lesson from this, and he isn't the type of person that would do soemthing like this (this is from everyone who knows him, his family and my heart) It was a shocker to find out about this. I have to say there was a screw loose when he did this.

lol, Yea I "won" him.. I just have a lot of hard feelings against someone who would even speak to a married man like that let a lone get involved knowing my position at the time.

Thank you, I agree.

You knwo there is a lot about us that has changed for the better in all of this. Finally its back to the not taking each other for granted, like we did for years. He is super affectionate, really HELPING around the house and with the kids, I honestly don't think I could have gotten through the past couple months without him. Even when he is working days straight he has offered his help staying up with Kendra to help me so I can sleep a solid 8. Hes cooking, working his butt off outside the house, just every thing in how he has treated the kids and me is different. Plus for once I have noticed it and giving him lots of "kudos" for what he is doing.

There is that matter of a hunting trip this weekend that I am "nervous" about. He is going with a bunch of buddies for 2 days and its hard to trust him after this....

aquarist48

Hello Angela. Well, you have to show that you do trust him. You can't sit around all weekend thinking about what may or may not be happening while he's hunting with his buddies. The trust has to start some where and the sooner the better. Keep yourself occupied. You mentioned that he's been working a lot and really hard and helping around the house even when he's pooped. His hunting trip may do you both a lot of good. Keep on the positive side and not the negative. You'll drive yourself crazy and it won't help the relationship if you don't give yourselves a little elbow room You can't stop living your own life simply because he is out of sight. Have some faith!

Best wishes.
Ken

Nate McFin

Sorry for your troubles. I would imagine that deep down you know whether or not you will be able to work this out. His dating aside there were underlying problems to begin with that built up to this. If those problems are fixable then you can deal with the dating, if not then this will continue to eat you up. I agree with others that IF you want and think things really can be worked out, you should tell him how you feel about it.
Building back trust is a long process. I have been in your shoes and I know how it can scramble your head. Things will work themselves out with him or without him. Do what is right for you and the kids.
Best Wishes,
Nate