Rbacchiega

So maybe some of you men out there can help me. Apparently, it's the WOMANs job to clean the house while the man goes out and does whatever all day. Then, even though he's borrowing MY vehicle, he gets mad for me asking him to pick up vacuum bags (the thing is 30 freakin years old, but god forbid we buy another one while this old piece still pretends to work)...bah.

So I call him to ask him what time he's coming home for dinner...and he responds, I dunno, when I get there. Well, forget that pile. Great. I don't even know if he's coming home for dinner now, or if I'll get a call at midnight or one am asking for me to come and pick him up because he's gone and gotten drunk with his stupid nephew. But, he's forgetting that HE"S GOT MY TRUCK!!!!!....oh well, have fun walking or waiting for a cab...

I'm telling you guys...I"m up to friggen here *points way above head*....

Or am I wrong, is it MY responsibilty to clean the house, look after all the tanks, take the dog for his walks in the morning and at night, cook the meals and clean up after him, do the laundry, and all while maintaining two jobs?!?!??!?!

I feel like I'm in the 1800s....well, except for the computer....

baaaaaaaaaaah, I need a beer. *wanders to fridge*

AggieYen

Sounds like he needs to sleep on the couch for the next month. *stab*

You're a superwoman, you are. You should go awol one day. Just leave him a post it on the fridge saying 'Gone out. Not sure when I'll be home. When I get home, I guess. No dinner. Feed dogs and fish. Have fun.'

susitna-flower

A man's job is from sun to sun, a womans is never done!

Are you working two jobs? Any kids? I have found over the years it is good to let yourself off the hook, if there is something you feel really stubborn about doing, take a break.....(except the tanks, don't make your babies sick ) Sounds like you need a vehicle that he doesn't use.....I know all about that being stuck stuff, and I just won't stand for it.

Rant all you want to. But the thing to do is to make some positive step to make things better, so it isn't the same thing to look forward to every day, you have to have some light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to!

Rbacchiega

no kids, but two jobs...one that I work at 5 days a week, 8-10 hours a day (fishtank maintenance, so not really a job, but tiresome nonetheless LOL) and I tattoo on the weekends at a shop downtown. So really, before I even get home I'm working anywhere from 60 to 80 hours a week BEFORE I even get home...then it's literally:

Walk in the door...hang up coat, go to kitchen and make dinner. While dinner is cooking, throw in a load of laundry and make a cup of tea. Serve dinner. Clean up after dinner, rinse dishes and throw into dishwasher. Get some sort of dessert ready. Serve him dessert. Change another load of laundry and take Dexter for a walk. Get in, do yet anoth load (if needed) do evening feedings on fish and weekly mainentance (I rotate the tanks..ie, monday is certain tanks, tuesday is different ones etc etc). Go to bed around 12:30 and wake up by 6 am. Make hot coffee, cereal etc and out the door by 730...

whew,...that was tiring just typing it LOL

sirdarksol

I would set down specific rules on using the truck. If you're married, they should be about 50/50. If you're not, and you bought that truck, then he uses it at your whim.

As far as being around, my response again rests on your relationship. As Susitna said, don't put up with it. I don't think going out and buying another car is the solution, though. I think it's a bandaid (not saying don't do it, but something else needs to be done, as well). Either a talk about what is acceptable or even counseling is a good idea if he just takes off like that. Not cool (of course, this is coming from a guy who has been away from his wife for about a total of nine days in as many years).

susitna-flower

Sirdarksol, you are a peach......understanding and sounds like a person who would never put someone else in the situation that has been described here. BUT from the perspective of someone who has lived much as described for over 25 years......

A MAN needs to take responsibility for himself....he also needs to be respected, and have a certain status. So if the truck isn't his....he needs a truck of his own, to use, abuse, and lose......But Rbacchiega should not have to cater to his whims, thus she needs her own transportation.

When kids are involved it complecates the whole picture....kids need to know that parents are both there as stable influences, that they NEVER do anything to cause uncertainness in the family. A DUI in a family situation can cause much more harm to kids than I think parents are willing to admit....but even if it is just a couple, you are right, it is time to have some serious discussions about where this is headed.....

If a long term relationship , marrage is involved, it should not just fall on one person to be the responsible partner. For me, sometimes I carry the load, sometimes it is my husband, when I just want to throw up my hands and screem.....though in my case, I just have a hard time ever once in awhile when everyone takes me for granted....like a 18 year old boy at home who won't chop the wood, and the 53 year old mom has to do it to keep the house warm......WE all have our stress points that cause us to want to throw a fit!

sirdarksol

I agree that a man (and a woman, for that matter) needs to take responsibility for himself, but that doesn't mean he has to have a truck of his own. I know plenty of men and women who don't have vehicles of their own who are still responsible.

I entirely agree with the second, and it applies to men and women equally. Nowhere was I suggesting that she should be the only responsible one. That's why I suggested a discussion (or counseling, if it's warranted) to let him know what is expected of him in a relationship. (A friend of mine is learning this as his ex-wife continues to fail to hold up her end of caring for their kid).

Edit: And I say that you close the vents to the 18 year old's room. Let him sleep in the cold for a night and he'll chop wood the next day.

Rbacchiega

we've had lots of talks...but that's all they seem to be...are talks. Something like this will happen, I'll go rent a hotel room for a night and take the dog, he'll call me, tell me he's sorry and things will get better for about a week. Then we fall back into the same old routine. I know that it's my fault for allowing this to happen to me over and over again....but the things we do whilst in love. And that's another thing. In the 4 years we've been together, he's only said "I love you" twice...both after a night out with the boys and while I was upset and on my way out the door.... I know it's just words, but sometimes a woman just needs to hear I love you from a man, you know? I even started coining a phrase so that maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal...like when we are out in public...I'll say "I mac and cheese you"...which goes back to our first true date...when everything was all fuddy duddy and he made me dinner...mac and cheese....but that was four years ago.

God, what am I possibly doing here!?!?! There isn't even a ring on the finger! We're just common law because we've lived together for 2 years...

Chief_waterchanger

I agree that everyone should be responsible for themselves, regardless of gender.

Rbach... If your boyfriend/hubby/whatever you call him can not be more responsible than that I would seriously look at whether it is worth staying or not. You have to learn early on that people only change if THEY want to change for THEMSELVES.

If it is your truck and he refuses to honor your wishes with its use, and you are not married currently, warn him once that it will be reported stolen should he take it against your wishes... It wouldn't take more than once of him being arrested for auto-theft for him to learn his lesson.

From the way you talk about yourself you seem like a strong, independant, and intelligent woman... why do you settle for less than you deserve? You could do better than the inconsiderate, self-centered, lug of a drunk.

Even if someone doesn't agree with my message up until this point, take this quote as it holds true in all situations.

"Life is too short for one person to be happy at the other's expense."

Good luck.

Rbacchiega

Thanks CWC....you're words ring true...something I've been thinking about for a while.

Sorry for the crazy rant guys. I just have no one else to talk/yell at...the dog doesn't know any better, so there's no sense in yelling at him...plus he's adorable and my only buddy at home.

susitna-flower

Well, sounds like you need to read a book on Boundaries, and decide if you want this treatment all your life, or stand up and say you are worth more. Sounds like there is no changing this fellow.

There are some really fine guys out there....who would say "I love you", you just have to believe it, and believe you are worth it!

Chief_waterchanger

S-flower is right, plenty of good guys out there.

(I can't help but notice that you seem to have had your mind made up before you received our advice... Usually if the mind is made up then there must be great reasons for it, and always trust your gut instincts, they're usually right.)

If you do leave him make sure to leave him a note just as rude as how he behaves...

"Gone out... ain't coming back... feed yourself..."

Rbacchiega

I think my mind was/is sort of made up, but it's still hard. I'm only 22, so pretty much my whole adult life has been with this one man....and I totally feel lost not knowing what I'd do without him....and I swore to god I wouldn't go through this (*mom did the same thing before she found my step father).... stupid heart and stupid emotions LOL...hey, at least I'm smiling and laughing!

Tazmiche

Oh i feel for you!!! My EX would come home to a hot meal everyday, somedays i'd have run a hot bath to help him unwind when he got in, glass of wine poured. I could have spent the day blitzing the house and i'd get comments like 'this place is a *"*"tip, it needs cleaning' then he'd redo my work. Or his 2 children would trash the place overnight then in the morning off the 3 of them would go leaving me to tidy up, wash dishes etc. I adored this man and i would probably still be with him if he hadn't asked me to leave ( oh i did ALL of the DIY in the house too) He said i was like a 3rd child!!!

My comment is after having lived that and now i have hindsight is value yourself more!! Sadly some people will just take. I too have sat at home alone waiting for him to come in from a boys night out. I say get yourself out and relax, don't have dinner ready every night. When he runs out of clean socks let HIM find the washing machine himself. You aren't in a relationship to 'serve', it should be a union of love and respect.

If you aren't happy you can always walk away, it is painful but we survive. I am still single and i can feel very lonely but it is far better to feel this way than the feeling i am not good enough as i used to!! Good luck

Gosh girl!!! 22!!! you have are WAY too young for this rubbish!!

I agree about the gut feelings! You know my gut feeling the first time i met my ex was to turn and walk away!! How bad is that, now i know why!!!

sirdarksol

Wow, okay, after reading a couple of your last posts, I'm more willing to go out on a limb, but it's already been said, so I'm just going to back up what CWC, Susitna, and Taz have said. If you decide to leave him, nobody important will ever question your decision.
He sounds like a waste of your time to me. If you've had the talks, and if he doesn't care enough to listen and act upon them, figure things out. (I'd add "...get your own darn truck" to CWC's note)
If the world were perfect, your current "man", Taz's ex, my friend's ex, and others like them would find each other and spend a lifetime of terrible eternity together. (Okay, so my friend's ex has found such a person, and they're gearing up for a horrible life together) My heart goes out to you guys. I hope that things work out for you. (BTW, if the kid's his, too, don't let him get away with not making child support payments. I know too many people who waited until they were deep in debt to take the child's other parent to court and have seen the trouble it's caused.)

≈ D ≈

Tazmiche

Thanks Sirdarksol!

Rba, what ever you decide, i/we are willing to listen and support you! Be true to yourself!! And besides, the dogs happiness comes before his!!!

Haha, listen to D!!! fellow brit well said!!!!!!

Rbacchiega

Thanks guys, seriously. Who knew that people you've never even met can rally up behind you when you need it. Thanks.

Well, it's almost 10 pm and he left this morning at about 9:30...so 12 hours outta the house without so much as a call. I just tried to call him to see if he was even coming home or (because I still do worry about him) he wanted me to call a cab. Nope, no such luck...won't even answer. But this has made up my mind. Well, not JUST this, but this is the straw that breaks the camels back so to speak....

He's up for a rude awakening when he comes home tonight to find the dog and I in the spare bedroom with doors locked. Or when he drags his sorry behind out of bed after "sleeping it off" and finds his bags packed at the door.