voiceless_kat

I have had a crappy couple of weeks. Most of the time, I am a happy, upbeat person who feels blessed for all the good things in my life. Seems I have forgotten that little fact and let myself fall into a "pity party" instigated by events over which I had no control.

To clarify, I am an educated woman ( of a certain age ) with wonderful friends, a great family & home; a great life and really no reason to be blue.

For those of you who don't know, my father passed away in Febuary, after a short and courageous battle with cancer. Between my Mom and I , we were with him constantly, and he died at home as per his wishes. He was very brave - it was humbling to go through this final journey with him.I processed his death and am presently trying to move forward, as are the rest of my family. It is odd how a person can process something ( in this case death) and think you have it all under control, and then have it come back and stare you in the face time and time again. All part of the process I suppose.

Last week, two of my beloved bettas died - Tiny King from a combination of being weaked by cyanobacteria algae and an ammonia spike due to faulty Bio Spira ( it had been opened). Next my beautiful ruby red Pickles, who apparently cut his back while trying to free himself following some naughty adventure. It broke my heart.

This week was to mark my worst fish week ever. My 55g: On Tues morning, I found my oldest and largest red eye tetra floating at the top of the tank. He had no marks on him, he was just gone. On Tues night I noticed what I thought was perhaps a bite mark on the oldest and largest dwarf gourami's head. So I pulled him from the 55 and set him up in a hospital tank, to be treated with Maracyn Plus. He was panicked! By Thursday night, this spot, which obviously was not a bite, was now a raspberry like growth, and looked even larger. I think it is lymphocystis . I don't think there is an effective treatment for it. He has calmed down and is eating, but not happy being alone. My 55g has always been healthy and active and all the fish are my original fish.

This Friday, my little rescue betta "Casey" also died. He had been suffering what I think was swim bladder disorder almost from the time I brought him home. His pelvic fin had a permanent fold in it from being in the cup and his dorsal fin seemed almost too small for his body, although it had filled out some. However he was quite a feisty little guy - he was the one that would jump for his food as soon as he saw the little spoon. Then he would sink back down, or spend the day sitting on the suction cup from the heater. But he was always happy to see me, and would scamble to the front of the tank if I talked to him, and went nuts when he saw the little jar his pellets were in. He was a joy.

When you read about all of these fish ailments, they point to dirty water, etc, which makes you paranoid when you lose a fish. My tank parameters are all good and within limits, the water is pristine and the fish are doted on. Yet somehow, you start to be believe you are at fault. I had been feeling so blessed since all of my fish were doing so well, and so many on the forum were losing fish. So I was pretty bummed out about all this - and it comes right at a time when I am getting a new corner bow tank and starting it up with new fish..........my confidence just disappeared.

During the week the two bettas died, there was also an awards night we went to so my mom could accept a Volunteer award posthumously given to my dad ( among others) by the Ontario govt. It just hit me when they announced it and I was a blubbering mess. So today we open up their cabin, and it was just weird not having my dad there. It was his haven - his spirit is everywhere and that was comforting.

Also on Friday, I bought Chance in the afternoon -after losing Casey in the morning. I usually can't bear to get another betta boy soon after I lose one. But I had to do it, and he has been the magic charm, bringing many smiles and laughs, and then on top of it all to get included in the calendar!! So my day improved and when I came to the forum, I found myself feeling so much better.

I have not been onthe forum cuz I felt so bummed, when actually it is where I should have been. Most of my friends don't "get" the whole fish thing ( I mean my emotional involvement); my husband does, and he is great, but he surely tires of listening to me. So today I came back to the forum, and find my fish friends the ones who can understand; andthat there are people who have suffered losses of family and friends that offer friendship and a shoulder. I have to say thanks.

So to those of you to whom I have not been in touch, my apologies, I know you understand. So tomorrow will begin the flower planting; greenhouse buying rampage and that is a wonderful thing. Time to nuture plants and watch things grow.

Whew I feel better, not usually one to vent on a public forum, but it just feels right tonight - this morning There is a doozy of a thunder storm right now, lots of lightening, so I should shut the computer off and head to bed. I apologize for this long winded blurb!!

Thanks, everyone!! Val

Lucy

You sure have had a rough time of it. Sometimes you have to get it all out and this forum and the people here are wonderful, I hope it helped you. It's therapeutic in a way.

Getting down and dirty in the garden is also therapeutic.
Have fun, plant a beautiful garden. It's such a sense of accomplishment.

Butterfly

Hugs from all of us! Theres more when you need them
Carol

Shawnie

capekate

g'morning Val
I totally understand how you feel, as do so many of us here on the forum. The forum and friends here are a blessing during times such as this.
You and I have talked of how important it is to get back to the soil of Mother Earth.. and let her also heal you. Scratch her back after a long winter slumber.. awaken the ground to the many new shoots of life that are sprouting every where. It is so healing...
Winter has been the 'little' sleep.... but now its time for new growth. Outside and inside...
I hope you find joy working the soil and planting those new flowers in the gardens. It has always been so therapeutic....

's, ~kate

Tazmiche

Hey my buddy! I have peas and beetroot growing for my first veg attempt. I think outside will do you the world of good. I saw my ex stepson for the first time in almost 2 years the other day......it cut me up as we had always had a true loving bond BUT i went straight out to my plot. Reminds you that there is always new life and hope!! lv

Martinismommy

Val I want you to know I'm here for you and that I understand....

Isabella

Hey Val ... I'm so sorry to hear all of this. So sorry for all of your losses, especially - of course - the loss of your dad . I'm not surprised at all to hear you've not been doing well lately - who would, taking into account all of this? This is something that you'll have to go through slowly, it doesn't go away just like that, in a few days. So, I suppose the only thing I can say, is the traditional: "Time will heal the wounds" but we certainly NEVER forget events of this nature. But you also know we're all with you, and for you, over there. We're all keeping our fingers crossed for you and are praying for you . I truly hope that - although you'll never completely forget about it - your pain will be diminished with time and you'll once again become the happy and radiant lady you used to be .

Either someone once told me, or I've read it somewhere, that "The only thing you can be 100% sure in your life is that we'll all die one day". And so it is. Your dad had to die, you'll have to die one day, we'll all die one day - matter of time. But precisely because of that fact - precisely because we all know this is natural and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it - just don't think of it much and live your life as best as you can WHILE you're still here. This is, I think, the best we can do under the circumstances. Besides, why torture myself with thoughts of death when I know there's nothing I can do about it? When I know I'll die one day, the best I can do is NOT to think of it constantly, so my life is better lived before that day comes.

voiceless_kat

Thanks, Isabella....some wise words. Ya know I thought I was good, until having those 2 sad fish weeks ( another first for me ) guess it was a way to get everything out (again).

I think it was Shawnie who said that the "firsts" of everything are hard, and that is what it was. He was just a larger than life person..and still is..LOL. So I am looking at that as a positive, and know that he is up there guiding me along and telling me every day " Those fish are going to interfere with your flowers"..LOL

As I said, it isn't how I would normally "vent", not sure why I did it in this public forum, but since I did, I actually feel better. Must have been cathartic to just spew it out! LOL

Any you hit the nail right on the head about living every day as it comes and to the fullest...and that is what he would have wanted - especially for his "kinda goofy daughter" who has always raised eyebrows as she goes through life with gusto. Thanks for helping me stay onthe right track!!

Val

Gunnie

I know exactly what you are going through. It's been over 4 years now, and I can still cry if I think about it long enough. My dad was hit by a car, and was in a coma for a week until he left us. My mom is still not over it, and is very depressed. This is very normal how you are feeling, and really, you are doing amazingly well. Just take everyday in stride, and don't beat yourself up too much on trying to cope. It will work itself out. My dad loved traveling to Germany, so I tell my mom, "He's not gone, he's just not back from Germany yet". That always brings a smile to her face. You hang in there!

Isabella

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss too Gunnie

Yes, I suppose that is a good way of looking at it . You know, my grandfather died a little more than a year ago, back in his native country. He used to come to us to New York usually once a year, either for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter. So in effect we only saw him once a year. I keep telling myself that he's simply back in his country and that he'll be coming here soon to see us again. God, I loved that man - he was the BEST . And to tell you the truh, I am not that sad about his death anymore because I know he'll always live in my heart, and all my memories of him are GREAT .

sirdarksol

Planting flowers is always a great endeavor.
Sorry for a rough few months. Focus on what you can change for the better (like making your yard more colorful with flowers) and remember the good times that have already been had (as well as to come)

voiceless_kat

Hi Gunnie, I am sorry for your loss, losing your father that way must have been so traumatic, I can understand how the healing can be taking a long time, especially with your mom. I was very lucky in that spending so much time with my Dad when he was ill, taking him to the city for surgeries, seeing him every day and then being with him 24/7 during his last 72 hours - administering meds and just being there to help.....I had the chance to talk with him about everything, and there was nothing left unsaid. He was kind of an Archie Bunker type in life, but when he was ill, he was so brave, and so calm while the rest of us held on by the skin of our teeth. I spoke at his funeral, I wrote the obit as he wanted it, with everything he wanted included; and wrote the thank you in the paper after he passed. He trusted me to do these things, and that is always something special I can hold on to. I hope you and your mom are able to find some peace, and hold on to the beautiful memories you had with your dad.

I am like a crazy person with the flowers and garden..today was second trip to the green house, but everything is in my greenhouse now, as there are frost warnings....geez, and we were under tornado watch last night as those horrible storms passed through, however, the tornados stayed farther south in Minnesota. Gardening and flowers were something my dad and I shared, so it is still a time of memories to me. It is a wonderful way to focus my energies.




I understand exactly what you mean - our loved ones live in our hearts and I hear his voice everytime I do something he would comment on. I know that death is part of life, and I am very lucky to have had him for such a long time. It is the reason we moved back to Ontario from British Columbia, since I had been away for 32 years and needed to be back and spend time with them. We had 10 years, and I am grateful for that.


And again, I must say thanks to all who post, for sharing their feelings and thoughts. I am all gosse bumpy now...LOL

Val

Tazmiche

Guys i lost my nana ( My second mum) my beautiful dog, my partner and i split, i had to leave our home and my stepkids, my house rabbit died fretting for the dog, 8 months in total......... found this site and 10 months on and found incredible friendship..............

Just wanna say thanks to all supporting Val right now as she held me up when i was feeling really low!!!!

The woman is crazy, we are well matched buddies.

Drea

Love is an incredible emotion. It is hardest when we lose what we love, and yet we need use that love "budget" to continue beyond the loss. Would it be simpler to save ourselves the pain in losing to love we've given and received? Sure. I can't help but think of part of one of my favorite scriptures...Love bears all things, believes all things, love never fails.
Val, our springtime is our time of renewal, and I wish for you many new beginnings in love of family, flowers, fish, friends....thank you for sharing your trials with us all, we understand and are grateful you trust us that much.

Andrea

voiceless_kat

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts, Andrea. I know the scripture you quote, we read it at our wedding. I love the springtime too, and as I get into my "dirt manicure" days, I can almost feel the renewal pumping through me. It is definetly where I find peace. ( Well, that and a good glass of wine..lol)

Amnagrla

I don't know how I missed this one!!

I had seen people hinting at this thread in some of the others this week so I knew something was up.

It's been tough for me to know what I've missed since I've been at school and not on here pretty much the whole year.. I hate to ask things about personal life because I feel like most people end up PMing to each other and it's none of my business.

About the garden: We had a family member pass away 4 years ago. Holidays are always tough, however, Easter for us was the hardest. She was a big garden bug. Now, every year, no matter how early Easter is (this year it came WICKED early!) our crocus' always bloom just in time because of her.

I'm so happy you found some solace here!!

voiceless_kat

Thanks for the good wishes. I normally would not have spilled my guts in public, however, with so many fish crisis, it was the place I knew people would understand how the fish stuff adds to the blues. And not just my fish, it has been a rough month.

I find also if I miss one day, I have to spend hours and hours reading the forum to catch up...lol...I was away Tuesday and unexpectedly stayed overnight ( went to pick up my new 36g bowfront)...so I was really behind. I am not sure I have seen my husband yet.......oh ya, that must have been him sleeping next to me.... Us fish people, we are a bunch.

I am trying to tell myself " PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND GET OVER IT""......It makes me laugh, so I think it is working!!

Val