Lifesabeach

All very funny. Here are a few quickies:

A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes the blonde 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why?

She had to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
A: Change!

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $. 75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable," replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."
“POOF” The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ."

“POOF”

and one for the blondes....

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I m completely nude."
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

navyscuba

THOSE ARE KILLER JOKES.

Gouramiguy17

All the good ones are used up, the only ones left we have to google! (please prove me wrong)

navyscuba

quickie.
Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two, one to hold the light bulb and one to spin the ladder around!

navyscuba

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

navyscuba

Ok this one is great.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."

Gouramiguy17

lol
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? A: So brunettes can remember them.
i know, i am brunnette

Gouramiguy17

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings." Again, "thank you" and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"

Tony G.

!!! oh goodness! these are great!!!

navyscuba

Blondes Q & A.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Tony G.

!!!

bolivianbaby

OMG-These are AWESOME!

navyscuba

Ok this one sounds a little cruel but is good.

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

Tony G.

i didnt get it at first then thought about it and now i get it!!
yaaay!

navyscuba

Oh Tony are you blonde?

LMAO

Tony G.

no... at least...
naaahhh

i have BLONDE moments some times...
lol
or.. brain farts hahaha
whichever you prefer to call it

navyscuba

Hahaha

AlyeskaGirl

scatty

Ok, I can contribute here.

A cute little blonde is out for a fast drive in her new red convertible. Suddenly she is pulled over by a police car. The female police officer, also a blonde, approaches the car and asks "can I see your licence please ma'am?" The driver gets all flustered and starts rifling through her handbag searching desperately for her licence. The officer sighs and says "relax, take a deep breath....your licence is about the size of a credit card and has your picture on it". "Oh, thank god", says the blonde as she pulls out a small makeup mirror and hands it to the police officer. The cop takes the mirror, takes one look at it, and hands it back saying, "I'm so sorry, I didn't realise you were a police officer".

boom boom

Lifesabeach

Good One! I wanted to add that one, but couldn't remember quite how it went.

Tony G.

ahahaha that was good!!1
here's one...

A young blonde ( 6) moves to a new city and its her first day of school. When she gets home, her mom notices her crying..
" whats wrong honey??"

"the keep telling me im crazy at school... "

"oh honey... who??"

" the squirrels..."

navyscuba

A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

Gouramiguy17

i got one:A blonde was on holidays in the depths of Cape York. She
wanted desperately to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking for the highly prized shoes.


After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices"
attitude of one of the shop keepers, the blonde shouted, "Well
then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can
get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"


The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady,
why don't you just go and give it a try".


The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the
swamps and marshes, determined to catch herself a crocodile.


Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls
over to the side of the swamp where he spots that same young
woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.


Just then, he spots a huge 15-foot croc swimming rapidly
toward her.


With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and,
with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The
shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed
silence.


Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the big croc on its
back.


Then, rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great
frustration, She shouts out, "Darn, this one is barefoot, too!"

matt6765

Hahaha

navyscuba

Tony G.

ahahahahahahha

navyscuba

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Tony G.

ahahahaha i just pictured this!
lol

navyscuba

I saw this actually on Mythbusters the boat actually moves slower but moves.

Hey you like Ice Fishing?
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."

navyscuba

Guess who knows the state capitals?
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."