Dozey

I will first apologize because this will be a long post.

Please help this is not a gag post. I really need some constructive advice from people that have experienced a similar problem.

Long ago I had 8 tanks. But every thing I knew about raising tanks in those days was just wrong from what I’ve learned recently. I raised neons, guppies, angles and such. But that doesn’t really matter now as that was well over 20 years ago.

When I met my wife she lived in a small farming community and work in what they called a “department store”. Having lived in large cities myself it looked more like a disorganized flea-market. They had about a dozen 20 gallon tanks all stocked with about 200 fish which my wife was responsible for. So she is quite confident that she knows everything about caring for fish.

About 6 weeks ago I came home to a 3 gallon tank stocked with 2 cichlids and a catfish. She went to bed and spent a horrified evening watching the cichlids de-fin and blind the catfish to point I removed the catfish and let him pass in a glass of water. I know I could have euthanized him in a better way but at the time I’d didn’t know better and it seemed more humane then letting the cichlids torment him any longer. Fortunately he passed very quickly.

I found this forum that very night and started to re-educate myself. Realizing the cichlids weren’t long for this world in a 3 gallon tank On Kijiji I found a 35 gallon used tank stocked with one cichlid and a pleco, amazingly living in harmony. The tank was absolutely disgusting. With what I’d learned here I was able to save the tank and fish. Then introduce the cichlid that was living in the 3 gallon to the tank. He wasn’t a fan of the pleco. I went to the LFS that my wife purchased the tank and fish from cornered the owner and exploded on him in a store filled with customers about the store’s irresponsible business practices. He is now more then willing to do anything to keep me quite. The aggressive cichlid was returned the same day. So we ended up with a very boring tank of 2 fish.

My wife decided she wanted a RTS. I posted a threat here about adding a RTS to the tank. Your advice was, “no way”. Shared this with the wife, wife went to the LFS and sales person said, “Sure no problem, it will take a few days for them to establish their own territories”. Yep they did, the shark hides in a cave and the cichlid hovers just above it waiting for the shark to stick his head out so she can attack.

Thinking the shark wasn’t eating my wife decided to stick some freeze dried tubifex worms (enough to feed Jaws) just in front of the cave while feeding the other cichlid enough flake food for a 20 gallon tank filled with 200 fish. When I came into the room the tank looked like a science project.

… OK there is no end to this post. So it’s time I shut up. She grew up in a family of fishers and hunters; I grew up in a family of environmentalists and animal activists.

So to the bottom line. She wanted a fish tank I didn’t. I run a business that revolves around the North American Automotive industry. I’m working 20 hour days trying to keep my business alive and now I have the added burden of trying to do damage control for the fish tank. After yesterday’s feeding my ammonia reading is 0.50. I’ve treated the tank with Prime and after my 20 hour work day I will do a 50% WC.

Have you been through this? Please, please how do I get my wife on board? She thinks we are all nuts. Testing water conditions, daily water changes when she over feeds, becoming attached to fish. What is wrong with us?

Your advice is very much needed. I can’t take much more of this. I don’t want to discourage her, but I can’t take much more. Those 10 gallon buckets of water are getting really heavy.

How do convince the woman you love that she is wrong?

CHoffman

Hi Dozey, You are in a bind. I would have her get on here. She might learn just like you did. Hearing information from someone else is alot different then hearing it from your spouse. IF she won't get on here maybe just print your threads that way she can read them.

shih-tzu mom

Dozey== Yes, you are in a bind and #-1- I would purchase the python water changer i did lol and much, much easier on the back. And i would have a wife night wine and roses only on fishlore lol. Suppose it might work lol. just maybe and post a few question for her and we will all be waiting to help/\. bella

Lucy

Wow Dozey, my husband solved the wife being wrong problem (me lol) with this mantra:
"You're right, I'm wrong and forever it shall be". lol
Of course, that doesn't work for stocking fish as lives are at risk.

I don't use one, my tanks are small, but several members use a Python for water changes. That might make it easier on your back.

Good luck.

Shawnie

sometimes us galz are bossy know it alls in everything ...I think its in our genetics do you all have kids at home or maybe she is bored with things while you are away?

have her get her own name on here and maybe she can make some good friends and outta boredom she can read up on some proper fish care?

ShaynaB

I'd have her join Fishlore.

Sometimes you just have to hear it for yourself...

She obviously knows something's wrong with the RTS and the cichlid, otherwise she wouldn't have over fed them. Maybe easing her into figuring it out for herself instead of you telling her (that goes along the "wife is always right" theory) will help her more. Maybe it'll get her interested enough to learn the proper stocking techniques.

She's obviously trying. Maybe having her ask for help instead of the trial and error method might work.

I had a very similar experience with two very pretty cichlids, a cory cat, and a 2.5 gallon tank when I first started keeping fish.

Oh, and I'd definitely look into that Python.

Good luck!

Dozey

Wow… I thank you ladies for taking the time to read such a long threat and posting so quickly. You are truly all wonderful for doing so and deserve roses for doing so. I’ve been reading her threads from this forum and really trying to get her involved. Unfortunately she still seems to prefer her own experience and advice from the LFS.

I’m an IT in the automotive industry and have 5 computers in my home available for research. I’m quite reluctant to let her read this post as I’m sure it may cause conflict between us. Airing our dirty laundry on a public forum, but it just may be the way to let her know how I feel. Um and the wine and roses might be just the ice breaker. I’m thinking more wine then roses.

And again ladies I very appreciate your input then I might have gotten from the gentlemen. If things go bad I will be sure to let you know who gets custody of the fish.

Shawnie

I agree about this thread..especially if she is really gung HO about the LFS advice...it can be deleted by you if you choose and if she chooses to join and we will welcome her anytime

dancerhas

That is SUCH a tough situation. My fiance is very accepting of my research and advice. Her mom is another story though. The soon-to-be mother in law was also raised on a farm, and is more willing to spend money on firewood, than to change water for a fish. She's always commenting on how we're "always bothering with those fish".

If I was appealing to my fiance about a similar situation, i would speak to the fact that the Shark is in danger. Just like the catfish that was mauled, the poor little shark is miserable. I would ask my fiance how she would feel if there was a black bear (a common creature around here) sitting outside her front door waiting for her to come out. I would ask her if she would feed a child a whole bag of potato chips, NO!, then why feed your cichlid a whole bag of "potato chips"?

My experience has been that women are sensitive and caring. Even the toughened ones usually will recognize an animal that is suffering if it's pointed out. I would never say: "You screwed up!" I would say: "I think that shark is scared" Or "Does that shark look happy to you?"

Common sense advice is always helpful in small doses too. A fishes stomach is about the size of their eye. (I've read that on here somewhere)

If she won't listen to any gentle advice. Honestly...as hard as it would be...I would probably just stop helping. Here's why: Some people learn better from experience than from advice. If you keep bailing her out, she never really learns how to properly care for a fish, all she learns is that you don't like how she does it. Maybe after the tenth fish dies something will click and she'll realize something is wrong. It's not good for the fish, but if she becomes a skilled fishkeeper, more than ten could end up in a good home thanks to those ten that died.

Just to clarify, this is just what I would do. I don't know you, or your wife, or anything about your personalities or marriage. What could work great for me could be a disaster for you.

shih-tzu mom

Hi: Dozey i think deffinatly the wine and you know women are always right, sooooo, just let her find out on her own as we did and try that wine works wonders and delete your posts and ask her to join. Just make suggestions to her not accusations lol and maybe she will be more receptive to your suggestions. With women always being right lol i agree with above poster., so relax and have your wine tonight and maybe we will see you both later good luck Dozey and to your fish as well. bella

KyWildFish

Hey brother I feel your pain. When the woman in your life thinks she is doing things the right way because its her way its hard to get her to change her mind. You have to be crafty and get her to come to a different conclusion socratically. Socrates taught in a way that used asking challenging questions that make people think in different ways. You will have to be crafty, but it can change.

My special lady is a clean freak. She would vacuum the tanks and scrub the glass every week if it were up to her. I had to explain the nitrogen cycle and then ask what she thought a super clean tank would be like with ALL the bacteria gone? She slowly got on board with me, and I was sure not to tell her I was right all along. You will have to find a way yourself as you know her better than any of us could.

Dozey

Wow, I am amazed by the community support here on FishLore. I have been dealing with forums before the Internet even existed. Never have I encountered a group so supportive as the members here. I expected very little input from this post and I am totally amazed by the amount of support of the members of this forum. I can not thank you all enough. In over 20 years of forum support groups I’ve never seen any group as close and helpful as the FishLore community.

I am absolutely dumbfounded that any of you even bothered reading my long post much less responded to it.

You have all warmed my heart and I can not express how very much I appreciate your support.

Sincerely,
Dumb Founded by all of your affection

CHoffman

You are right!!..This is a amazing group of people Dozey. I was blown away too. It is very nice of you to let everyone know that you think about fishlore. Surely you can sweet talk your wife with kind words like that.

Butterfly

Maybe if you could get her to join us kind of as a social type thing instead of a learning experience she might make some friends and share her fish keeping experiences. Then we could just discuss different ways to do things and why we do them. Sign her up! (if she decides to join I can delete this thread for you. No problem)
Thanks for trusting us with your problem
Carol

Lucy

We must have been on the same wavelength.

Butterfly

We frequently are
Carol

catbtony

Just a thought...... a great X-mas gift for her ...a book on "fish-keeping" maybe some other folks here could recomend one that would be great for your wife. I am new here too, lots of smart, helpful, caring people, fishy folks are wonderful

jdhef

My only suggestion would be to tell her that with you working so much and feeling so stressed out, you feel like caring for your aquarium and fish are your only relaxation, and that by her helping out, it's really leaving less "fish therapy" time for you, which you really need. So maybe if she thinks that by not helping with the fish she is helping you, she won't realize she's been fired.

Good luck!

Lucy

You could buy her a betta and 5g tank (heated, filtered and cycled of course) and watch her fall in love with that cute little betta dance they do and eat out of her fingers.

angelfish220

Lucy thats accutally what I thought!

Buy here a betta and tank then tell her to log on here, then we can set her straight (and now you have a betta )

Red1313

LUCY!
Only one tank?
He should by at least 6, bulk is the only way to go. That way when they need the "next" one the tanks are already there.

Seriously though giving her own tank that is relatively low maintanence but addicting might be the way to go about it. So you're not "firing her" (even secretly) you're putting her skills to use elsewhere.

Dozey

I am so touched by all of your responses. I’m still dumbfounded that any one responded to this post but I am very grateful to all of you. I am a cancer patient and the community support here on FishLore has done more for my mental health then any doctor has.

So despite the minor glitch with the wife and the fishies I’m certainly glad we ended up with an aquarium. And even more grateful that FishLore and all of you wonderful people are now a part of my healing and certainly now a part of my life.

Thank you all so very much.

I will certainly convince my wonderful wife to join FishLore. Not only will it help our fishies but I’m sure it will warm her heart to be a part of such a wonderful community. The cancer patient is not the only victim. It sure would be nice to have a different focus in our lives then doctor appointments and procedures.

Thank you again everyone.

Lucy

We're glad to have you as part of the Fish Lore family.

We'll be happy to meet and welcome your wife and will be sure to point her in the direction of the betta forum (notice a pattern here? lol)

Butterfly

after you buy her the Betta have her join here to see all the gorgeous Bettas that are part of our fishie families. You could even present her with the betta calendar http://www.zazzle.com/2009_betta_fis...45430927943570
Carol

Dozey

lol... what size tank do I need for a betta tank. Doh, another tank. We own a very tiny one bedroom condo. Well I guess the couch will just have to go.

Minnow

I think most people on here would recommend a 5 gallon tank for a betta, with 2.5 being the minimum.

Who needs couches, anyway?

Dozey

LOL... Not me, between the aquarium and FishLore I can't remember the last time I sat on the couch.

Just happens we still have the 3 gallon tank that this whole ordeal started with.

Lucy

That's perfect! An empty 3g

Here's some information on bettas....more for you to explore. lol

Welcome and Betta Care Guide - Please Read First!!!

Red1313

Be warned they'll turn you to the dark side!
(but it's ok you'll never want to turn back )

Note: b/c I feel bad about not having anything constructive to add about you're problem . I thought I would attach something that every betta addict with limited space should see. It's called a betta tower (i "borrowed" this photo, though I hope to steal the idea myself one day)
http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx2sH2q0
http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx2sHhnS
http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=gx2sHwlJ

Dozey

You all are just too much fun.