Breathe, Bomber (when I read stuff without punctuation, I read it as if the person wasn't breathing between sentences. I was chuckling by the end of your post.

)
Anyway, I agree that lava rock is not the best for kuhli loaches. They like to wedge themselves into tight places, and lava rock would be like a rasp on their skin.
They do like places to hide, though, so
driftwood and/or rocks are going to be good. I've found a few pieces of driftwood at pretty reasonable prices on eBay and Aquabid. Be sure that whatever you get isn't treated with toxins, and that the rock is neutral and metal-free.
I've never had a problem cleaning my sand. Not sure if it's a difference in vacuums or in the sand. I'm using the black stuff they sell on Drs Foster and Smith (Caribbean Moon or Tahitian Moon or something like that). With kuhlis, the smaller/softer the substrate, the better. One member swears by pool filter sand for her kuhlis. My tank with kuhlis has EcoComplete, which is similar to potting soil.